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1st May 2017
02:54pm BST
22 Words states that James has already won the heart of the internet, while Babble reckons he has the "whole world laughing". Now, and in his honour, HerFamily has rounded up the 20 times that Mr Breakwell just 'got' parenting in the last 30 days (yes, he tweets A LOT)...
Me: Get dressed.
4-year-old: I'm coloring. Me: Getting ready is more important. 4: I'm drawing a horse. I stand corrected. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 1, 2017
Me: Who made this mess?
4-year-old: A hologram. Me: Since when do you know what a hologram is? 4: Since I saw one make a mess in my room. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 1, 2017
My wife gave my pregnant sister all of our baby stuff.
My sister appreciated the gifts. But she could have done without the evil cackling. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 30, 2017
Me: There's nothing better than having kids.
Childless friend: I can pee alone. Me: *starts crying* — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 29, 2017
My workout schedule:
Age 20: Ran every day. Age 25: Exercised once a week. Age 31: Pulled a muscle walking to the fridge. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 27, 2017
4-year-old: What do polar bears eat?
Me: Seals 4: What do brown bears eat? Me: Salmon 4: What do pandas eat? Me: Kids who ask questions — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 25, 2017
The 3 scariest things parents can find on the floor:
3) the lid that should be on a sippy cup 2) a marker with no cap 1) just the cap — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 25, 2017
The four most expensive things my wife ever said:
1) I'm pregnant. 2) I'm pregnant. 3) I'm pregnant. 4) I'm pregnant. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 25, 2017
That awkward moment when you lean over a sleeping kid to see if they’re breathing and they open their eyes and you’re both scarred for life
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 24, 2017
[watching any movie where a female action star does something amazing]
My wife: Really? In those shoes? — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 22, 2017
Things my kids have cried about in the last 10 minutes:
A Slinky Pulled pork sandwiches The Slinky again Poop — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2017
4-year-old: How come you're tall and I'm short?
Me: I'm older. 4: I'll be taller when you're dead. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2017
Me: Don't run with scissors!
4-year-old: I didn't. Me: I saw you. 4: I was skipping. Much safer. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2017
My kids want meals.
And snacks between meals. And snacks between snacks between meals. I'm raising hobbits. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2017
The things parents of young children are the most likely to lose:
3) Socks 2) Shoes 1) Sanity — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 13, 2017
My toddler's favorite toy in the whole wide world is literally any toy another child is holding at that exact moment.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2017
Someone cut my 6-year-old's hair
She says she didn't do it Be on the lookout for a mysterious hair-cutting bandit who looks just like her — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 6, 2017
We took all four kids out to eat at a sit-down restaurant tonight.
I'm sure we'll do it again sometime. Like when they're all in college. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2017
Me: How much candy did you give my daughter?
Grandma: Just one piece after lunch. Me: Grandma: She's more candy than child. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2017
It took me six tries to call my 2-year-old by the right name.
I have four kids. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2017
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