30 thoughts I had during my VERY FIRST DAY as a mother

Thirty thoughts I had during my first day as a mum to a newborn baby boy.

I often think back to the chaotic very first twenty-fours of parenthood and all the random, disjointed shouty thoughts that plagued me all day. There is probably no other day that is so totally and utterly INSANE in any of our lives than the day that we woke up a normal person (albeit one with a beach ball under our tee-shirt) and went to bed a parent. Here are some of the thoughts I had on my first day as a mum... 1. "BAH, I did NOT expect the baby to look so organ-like." 2. "He has hair.... ALL OVER HIS BODY???" 3. "When will I get the feeling back in my legs? Oh weird, it's mine apparently." 4. "Shouldn't he be crying? All the other babies are screaming but he's just sleeping?" 5. "Maybe I have one of those seriously CHILL babies?" 6. "Oh my god there he goes, this is NOT one of those chilled babies." 7. "Am I doing this right?" 8. "What do I do now?" 9. "What the actual f*ck is that coming out of him?" (We were one of those lucky parents who got to witness the meconium poo LIVE.) 10. "Should I wake him up to feed him?" 11. "Am I holding him right?" 12. "I can do this, can't I?" 13. "Why am I crying? I should be happy, everyone else looks happy?" 14. "I can't do this." 15. "I want to go home." 16. "Please don't make me go home ever... I am going to need 24-hour midwife assistance for the next 18 years." 17. "Oh my god he's been born for nearly 10 hours now, and still I have not fed him!!! It's just like that recurring nightmare I had when pregnant about forgetting to feed the baby." 18. "I'm going to stare at him until he wakes up and then he can feed." 19. "Will I ever be able to get this baby on my boob without assistance?" 20. "Whoa, what's the deal with my milk? He's flopping around like a little drunk man." 21. "Oh thank god, apparently everyone's milk does that." 22. "Why can't I keep the mittens on him?" 23. "Stop flicking them off!" 24. What are the mittens even for? To stop them from scratching other babies???" 25. "Winding is weird. How long should I keep holding his face and rotating his bottom for?" 26. "When will any of this start to feel normal?" 27. "Which boob am I on now?" 28. "What are we going to call him?" 29. "'Squeaks' could work, he certainly squeaks a lot." 30. "Squeaks, this might be the morphine drip I'm on but you may be the single greatest human to ever grace this earth. I love you. I love you. I love you. And just so you know I'm in majorly over my head here..."