Just a little heads up here, guys: there are rules about what to say and not say, do and not do after your wife or partner has delivered a baby. Haven't heard of them? It's because they're generally unwritten – but if you need a gentle nudge, we've laid them all out for you. Read, memorise, go forth and man-up.
1. Whatever happens, remember: she is a GODDESS
It doesn't matter how much she snarls at you, swears at you while in labour or hisses at you when you do everything arseways in the first few weeks – this absolute legend has just grown YOUR baby for ten months, had to deal with all the aches and pain, morning sickness and yucky side effects that come with that, as well as some things you could never imagine dealing with (don't even mention the haemorrhoids) all while carrying around a pretty large, cumbersome watermelon. You should be bowing to her daily in awe of her utter amazingness.
2. You will be way down her list of priorities
Sorry, buddy, but it's all about baby now – when it feeds, sleeps, poos, what colour its poo is and how warm/cold/over-heated they are – this doesn't last forever, but there's no room for jealousy or ego at this time – the craziest time in your entire life. Recognise that this is all temporary – and assume your new role at the back of the queue as dad and helper to mum!
3. Be two steps ahead
It'll really piss her off to ask you to do stuff – just take the initiative: change the baby, take it for a walk, run a bath for her, clean the bottles, change the bedsheets, do the laundry, cook some dinner or just get out of her way when you think she needs space. You need to be her side-kick, her cavalry, the best damn PA a woman could ever want during these tender first few months. She will remember this, always.
4. You have a new sense of responsibility – take it seriously
Find you have nothing to do while she is busy feeding for hours on end? Don't sit around like a plank – do your bit: put the baby's name down for local schools, go and register their name, research things you think will help mum and baby during the first few months. Or just keep an eye on mum – she may have baby blues or postnatal depression – read her moods, decipher what is tiredness and what is emotion instability, and above all, help her not to feel too overwhelmed. Hugs help a lot!
5. Never admit you are tired aloud
You will NEVER know the level of exhaustion a new mum can feel – pregnancy followed by labour, potentially a C-Section and the haze of breastfeeding – believe us when we tell you, this is tiredness on a whole new level, planet, galaxy... the type you will never experience, so please, don't mention the tired word.
6. NEVER suggest that the baby is hungry, NEVER!!
There are few things that strike rage in a new mum more than somebody suggesting she hasn't fed the baby or worse, that she has, but the baby isn't full! RAGE. When you have been milked dry and stuck to a sofa for hours on end without being able to pee, you need someone to take the baby from you and comfort them. Try a little skin-to-skin, remember, the baby could be crying from wind, comfort or tiredness too.
7. Don't even mention the 'S' word
Deal with it. She won't want to have sex for a while – and depending on how the birth went, it could be months (and months). It'll happen, and things get back to normal in the bedroom eventually. Just refer to point 1. if you're feeling frustrated – channel your frustration into bowing down in admiration and awe (in case you didn't really get that point on first read). This will earn you no end of brownie points when sexy time eventually returns.
