If you have a small kid or two, you'll know exactly what 'Witching Hour' refers to.
It's the time of day when everything starts to go tits-up in your home.
Up until Witching Hour, you may have survived a trip to the playground, an unexpected knock on the door or even a flyaway comment from a friend or relative about your son needing a haircut.
But as soon as Witching Hour strikes, it is GAME OVER.
Your stress levels automatically rise to uncontrollable levels and you find yourself reaching for the bottle of Rescue Remedy and wondering in vain why it comes in such a teeny-tiny bottle when you clearly need to chug a gallon of the stuff.
Your kids, previously manageable, fairly reasonable and wearing all of the clothes that you dressed them in for the day, suddenly transform into ogres - wailing, spitting bile and flinging their dirty nappies in your general direction as you pray for bedtime.
But bedtime could still yet be hours away - which is why you can't cope with any of the following happening in the meantime:
1. Delays From Your Other Half
If hubby has the balls to call you to say that he is going to be delayed coming home, this can send a woman in the middle of Witching Hour into a complete meltdown. She needs relief and she needs it now, goddamnit!
2. Grandparents Calling With Sweets
My dad just loves to call to see the kids when I am on the other side of struggling to get them to eat their dinner for the previous hour. He will gleefully skip through the front door, armed with lollipops and biscuits and just dish them out willy-nilly as I scrape the remains of their discarded bolognese from the ceiling.
3. Grandparents Calling
Yes, full stop. I love them but the kids love them even more and get completely hyperactive the second they see granny and grandad walk through the door. Right while I'm trying to promote 'chill out time' - disaster.
4. Running Out Of Milk
I'm not entirely on top of what's in stock at our house but as a general rule of thumb, I always make sure we have enough milk to keep that crazy two-year-old milk junkie daughter of mine happy. Running out of milk before bedtime with no back-up person en route who can grab it on the way is NOT my idea of a good time.
5. Dealing With The Whining
I'm not great on listening to the constant drone of whining at the best of times, but when Witching Hour rolls in and I have zero energy or patience left in me, the 'Maaaaaaaaaammy' wailing just does not cut it with me. This is the time of day when I can mostly be found hiding in the toilets from my kids.
6. Making Dinner
If the effort to make a decent dinner hasn't been made before 5pm, there is no real point in getting started afterwards. Post-5pm dinners are almost always some sort of potato-waffle-and-beans combo and I am ok with that. It has to be quick and it has to be able to be prepared with a maximum of two pieces of cookware. Anything more complicated than that almost always results in a phonecall to the local takeaway.
7. Taking Phone calls
My post-Witching Hour self resembles a slightly deranged bag lady who is muttering things like, 'Potty, bath, Lego, pjs, poo...' while simultaneously picking bits of chips from her hair. This 'They have defeated me' behaviour continues until the kids have gone to bed, at which point I like to sit in stunned silence and stare at something on Netflix for an hour. Who could take a grown up phone call in that state?
8. Remembering All You Have To Do Tomorrow
The worst thing is getting your face washed, PJs on, settling the kids down and thinking you are on the verge of a rest before remembering.. the school bake sale, the costume day, the meeting that you have to prepare for the next day.
Back to the grindstone, mum!
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