I am not a patient person. Add two years of interrupted sleep and I've become about as unreasonable and irrational as a hormonal bull shark.
The question of divorcing The Man can come up at least four times a day (or nine times during the US Masters) though I realise how lucky I am that, thusfar, The Man has not turned the tables and decided to divorce me.
9 Stages of talking myself into and out of divorcing the man:
Stage 1 – Escalation
The inciting incident is usually pretty innocuous (like leaving a Weetabix bowl unsteeped) but a surefire way to cause the situation to escalate is for him to tell me to "calm down" or "relax, it's only Weetabix". "In the history of calming down, NO ONE has ever calmed down after being told to calm down!" I scream.
Stage 2 – Decision made
"That's it, I'm divorcing him." I probably have this thought about 17 times a month, and yet each time I think it, I feel THIS is the time that it's going to stick.
Stage 3 – Practicalities begin to be assessed
"It'd be very costly and time-consuming to divorce him." I wouldn't be able to get the kitchen extension *sad face* (and yes, I'm aware: #FirstWorldProbs and all that). Sometimes I think the kitchen extension is all that's keeping me in this head-wrecking marriage.
Stage 5 – Notice that the man is not reacting to the news of impending divorce with appropriate gravity
This only serves to cement my resolve. "F*ck him; he doesn't even care that we're getting a divorce. Now I'm definitely going to leave just to prove how serious I am." I hope I'm not the only person who loses all grip on reality in the throes of a fight. Seriously anyone else out there turn into a Hell Bitch during a routine fight about chopping onions on the breadboard?
Stage 6 – Imagine your new life without the man
In my musings, it is a wonderous life filled with NOT watching the Premiership analysis, free of the socks roaming free throughout the house or the pubic-hair-on-soap epidemic that I've been living through for the last decade.
Stage 7 – Do the math
A few quick sums tell me that along with the kitchen extension, other aspects of my life would be considerably harder. I honestly have no idea how single parents do it, they're goddamn heroes. I am not cut out for solo parenthood, I freak out when my mum goes away for the weekend and The Man leaves me to parent alone for longer than nine hours at a time. I'm a wimp.
Stage 8 – Remember how much you hate filling out forms
There would be a lot of paperwork involved in divorcing him and he usually handles all that. In fact, he handles a lot of the bullsh*t tasks that I hate doing. If we got a divorce I'd have to be the one to call the insurance company and be put on hold for hours on end AND I'd have to learn how to use the washing machine.
Stage 9 – Concede that divorce may not be worth the effort
After a bout of 'that's it we're getting a divorce', perhaps a reminder of what's really important in our relationship is in order...
"According to recent research, the ability to admit when you are wrong after an argument is the number one sign that your relationship will last.
Regular date nights, twice weekly sex sessions and saying 'I love you' every night before going to sleep are also among the top five tricks to keeping the spark alive.
For those who are counting, the ideal number of kisses and cuddles exchanged on any given day should not be less than five.
Interestingly, working full time is more conducive to domestic harmony, with a shared taste in films and a mutual willingness to do the washing up also listed as important."
Join the conversation on Twitter @HerFamilydotie
