Bedtime by Percentages: The Breakdown Every Tired Parent Knows 6 years ago

Bedtime by Percentages: The Breakdown Every Tired Parent Knows

As the cheerful (read mildly insane due to prolonged sleep-deprivation) parent of a non-sleeper, for the past two years, I have attempted to stick rigidly to a bedtime routine more convoluted and detailed than NASA's procedures for landing spacecraft on the moon in a bid to put The Child to bed.

My efforts in this department have thus far proved to be futile.

I have now reconciled myself with my so-called bad sleeper and am even capable (in a detached sort of way) to be impressed with his firm resistance to ANY and ALL efforts to be put to bed.

Bedtime by Percentages: The Breakdown Every Tired Parent Knows:

1. Bedtime is 18 percent trying to convince them to have a bath, 14 percent adjusting water temperature, 68 percent trying to get them out of the goddamn bath.


2. Bedtime is 40 percent more stories, 22 percent changing the lighting configuration, 38 percent "I'm thirsties."


3. Bedtime is 34 percent desperately trying to get the toddler into the cot, 22 percent, trying to keep the toddler in the cot, 44 percent wondering (just wondering) if it would be frowned upon to fashion a 'lid' for the cot to prevent escape attempts.



4. Bedtime is 42 percent willing the child to sleep, 24 percent lying absolutely still in your own bed at 8 pm and 34 percent keeping super, SUPER quiet in case you wake the child up again.


5. Bedtime is 18 percent cuddles, 14 percent lullabies and 68 percent THREATS.

6. Bedtime is 14 percent saying "I'm going to count to 3" in that weird mum-voice that kicked in the day the child turned two and 76 percent getting to 3 and starting again.


7. Bedtime is 27 percent putting teddies into the cot and then removing them IMMEDIATELY, 34 percent rubbing their heads and 39 percent lying down on the floor beside the cot covered with a too-small blanket with one (freezing cold) hand being held hostage by a tiny little human through the bars of the cot.

8. Bedtime is 34 percent sticking to a good routine and 66 percent doing WHATEVER it takes to make the child GO THE F&CK TO SLEEP.


9. Bedtime is 3 percent more blankets, 11 percent more bottles, 5 percent less lights and 81 percent getting it all wrong because we're not telepathic dammit.


10. Bedtime is 100 percent a cruel joke played on parents by conniving kids who will literally fight sleep with every fibre of their being