One of our favourite (and consistently on-point) mummy bloggers has us in a knot once again. This time, with the four stages every mama goes through while watching One Born Every Minute…
Parenting blogger Emma Lou Harris recently had us all in stitches with her brutally honest account of getting caught in the act by her three-year-old daughter Frankie.
Now, we are over-identifying with the mum-of-two all over again as she takes us through the four classic stages of watching Channel 4’s labour ward documentary series One Born Every Minute.
We’ve all been there…
8pm Watches One born Every Minute and makes life-changing decision to come off all contraception that very second.
Thinks back to all the magical and bonding moments of labour between a woman and her baby daddy. Picks a name and Godparents within three minutes and imagines Christmases and birthdays as a family of five.
By the work of a genuine miracle, I seem to TOTALLY forget the pain and torture brought from Lucifer that is labour. Lost are the memories of my midwives being so concerned about me turning myself inside friggin’ out with the contractions they called a group meeting and considered calling out the local priest to perform an exorcism on me.
I tell myself, I won’t cry when I see this lady’s baby being born yet I howl like a heartbroken mountain wolf every single fuc*ing time. I see that baby thrown onto that superhero’s chest and hear its cry for the first time. My heart bursts and I can actually feel my ovaries trying to break their way out through my vagina to go find their own goddamn sperm, as I sit in a puddle of my own emotions wiping tears and snot from my loser face.
9pm Opens bin, throws pill in with force. Slams bin and awaits impending fertilisation.
9.30pm Two-year-old son arrives into sitting room after getting out of bed and hands me a package. He’s done a shit in his nappy and gotten up for me to change it but (because I’m raising such a thoughtful gentleman) he thought he’d help me out and remove the friggin’ thing himself BEFORE bum shuffling his way down the entire stairs ON said shitty arse, leaving a snail trail of crap along 14 steps of carpet and gifting me with a bag of precious jewels.
10pm Immediately pulls pill packet out of bin. Doubles up on contraception, throws on chastity belt, buys bunk beds and starts wearing Crocs.
