Dave Moore: I think I am the most fertile man in Ireland

I’m breaking up with you. We’re done. We can’t go on together. I’m sorry. It’s not you. It’s me. No, it actually is. You see, if we keep hanging out together, you’re going to… well… I don’t know how to put this so I’ll just come out and say it: If we remain friends, you’re going to have twins. You think this isn’t going to happen to you. It is. And I have the stats to back me up. Also, I should, at this point, mention that this only applies to a very select few folk but, listen up, you could be one of them. So, when I was small, I had two best friends that I hung out with every day. We lived near each other. Derek called in for David and the two of them called in for me. We walked to national school together. Every day. For 14 years. We didn’t stay close. I don’t mean we fell out or anything. Like, Derek ended up with one of my cat’s kittens, Sneakers. And David’s brother and I once wrote a song together, called Nacho Man. It contained the following lyric:

“Nacho Man thought B.A. Baracas would come to his house and play his maracas.”

Say no more. Anyway, Derek grew up and had twins. I grew up and had twins. David grew up and had twins. Now, let’s move on to secondary school. I went to school in the city centre, far away from Portmarnock. There I met friends from all over Dublin. My two best friends were Donnacha and Daniel. Donnacha is the single biggest musical influence in my life. Daniel was the best man at my wedding. We all love heavy metal. Anyway, Daniel grew up and had twins. Donnacha grew up and had twins. I grew up and had twins. So, have you spotted the coincidences yet? Well, apart from being friends with me, obviously. Your name must also start with a D. Dave and David and Derek. Dave and Donnacha and Daniel. If I’m friends with you and your name starts with D, beware. You’re probably going to end up with twins. All you Daves, Davids, Dermots, Damians, Damiens, Daras, Darraghs, Darrens, Deans, Declans, Denises, Dereks, Desmonds and Donals better watch out. Also, Doddser, Dinty, Doyler and Donny Shots, your nicknames count you in! I can’t guarantee being a Facebook friend rules you out. Or a Twitter follower. Or even a woman, for that matter! Darlene! Debbie! Dahlila! Yiz are all in for it! I am David Zachary John Moore. I am married to Tracy (who used to be Velcro Girl on 2Phat). We have four children. We have a dog called Lorna, a lurcher we rescued in 2005. She can leap a nine-foot wall in one go. I am tired.