Our alternative A-Z guide to first-time parenthood continues with ‘H’. H is for Hysteria, Hell aka Hating Life, Hypocrites, Hugs, Happy and Hormones.
H is for… Hysteria
There are certainly people out there for whom new parenthood does NOT induce near-debilitating hysteria. These are the same people who are unfazed by transferring to a new mobile network or filling in lengthy forms for tax assessment. These people take sh*t in their stride, with a confident and completely unfounded faith in the likelihood that things will somehow work out. These people are FOOLS. Do they not REALISE that they are now solely responsible for the life of another human being? A tiny human that is so defenceless that a mere whiff of gluten prior to the recommended six-month cutoff could result in a life-long allergy to gluten. A little creature so dependent that another person has to help them burb. HELP THEM BURP. It’s so much pressure and even if we manage to safely shephard them through the treacherous, calamity-riddled years of babyhood and childhood, what about adolescence? What if we don’t satisfactorily impress on them the importance of alternating each alcoholic drink with a glass of water and one day they become so inebriated that they soil themselves in a social situation and forever more are known as The Soiler? *Draw breath* It’s the hormones.
H is for… Hell aka hating life
There is a certain degree of hating life to be expected when becoming a new parent. Your new life, after all, bears no resemblance to the life you were unthinkingly and happily leading up until last Tuesday. New parenthood is a lot like what I imagine getting a face tattoo is like. Shocking and deeply unnerving. For all your research (presumably you did the face tattoo research ahead of time) once you’ve got that face tattoo the odd flash of regret is pretty understandable especially as the face tattoo will be with you forever and currently doesn’t seem to sleep….Wait I think I’ve got my analogies crossed. Face tattoos, bad. Babies, good. Oh whatever, if you find yourself in hell or hating life or hating your new face tattoo don’t worry these feelings are temporary and pretty soon you’ll find yourself talking to others contemplating face tattoos and say “what this?,” indicting the flock of birds beside your right eye, “best thing you’ll ever do.” See also: A is for Amnesia
Don’t forget H is for Hypocrites
Parenthood makes hypocrites of us all. Pre-parenthood you may have found yourself starting sentences with words like “I’d never” or “I’ll always” or “I couldn’t imagine”. On the other side, you will look back on your naivety with a wry smile because in the tumultuous and chaotic world of parenting there is simply no room for definitives or black and white. Parenting is like attempting to negotiate a burning marshmallow factory, while trying to protect a cute guinea pig, armed only with a super soaker and wearing flippers. Once you’re got that face tattoo the only imperative will be to survive. So whatever you said you’d always/never/can’t imagine doing will probably be done in the first seven days of parenthood. Co-sleeping, breastfeeding, bottle-feeding, shouting, crying, bargaining are all, and I’m paraphrasing here, the best laid plans of mums and men.
H is for Hugs
Hugs are essential to the new parent. Get as many as you can, it will buoy your spirits and cure exhaustion.
Disclaimer: Hugs do not cure exhaustion, do not force hugs on unwilling participants. Try not to cry when someone hugs you or does anything else nice for you for that matter. It’s the Hormones.
H is for Happy
In the melee of new parenthood many report to feeling happy all the time, while others are less deluded. Feeling happy all the time is a desirable state indeed but inevitably we all settle into vague complacency at some point. It is unrealistic to feel happy all the time, happiness, when it comes, is often in bursts of joy and delight, look out for them and savour these days, they pass far too quickly.
H is for Hormones
Blame EVERYTHING on hormones. That is all.
