Tears At The School Gates: What To Do When Your Kid Doesn’t Want To Go To School

I had one of those mornings today: up bright-eyed at 7am and wildly optimistic about how the morning would go.  Everyone's clothes and lunches were ready, I had a good night's sleep, my work bag was packed. And I still had a full two hours to enjoy breakfast with the kids before getting everyone dressed. Fast-forward to 9am and my eldest, Jacob (4) and I are screaming at each other in the car because he's been impossible to dress and get out the door to school. Not only that, but he's hit me about five times. I have officially lost my cool. We then spent fifteen minutes in the corridor outside his classroom as he wailed that he didn't want to go to school today, but wanted to stay home with me instead. No amount of explaining to him that I was going to be at work did anything to calm him down and eventually the pre-school staff had to carry him in, while I escaped to the car and cried. Jacob normally really likes school and has great friends there, so what went wrong today? Well, we have moved in with my parents for a few weeks while we're having some work done on our own house and he's had a little bit of a cough and cold since Christmas. So we know that there is upheaval there, and we know that he is missing his own space and toys. Unfortunately, there isn't much we can do about that at the moment, apart from bringing him to the house (aka building site) to show him the progress and to keep chatting to him about how we won't be staying in granny and grandad's forever. The cough and cold doesn't seem bad enough to warrant a trip to the doctor but if it's contributing to his sensitivity at the moment, then we obviously have to look into it. What else can you do if your child refuses to go to school? 1. Check for physical causes Even though I'm sure that Jacob's cough and assertion that he has a 'sore tummy' aren't serious, I'm going to bring him to the doctor this week to double check. What if something was really wrong and we put it down to him acting up? Eek! 2. Talk with your child At four, Jacob still doesn't have the vocabulary to communicate how he is really feeling. If there is a reason for your child's upset that you think could be causing it, such as a move, a recent bereavement etc, talk to them about it in language that they will understand. Agree that going to school every day is a really good plan. 3. Don’t lecture This is definitely one of my downfalls. I harp on and on about how important school is and that it is his 'job' to go, and I probably need to just stop giving the situation so much negative attention. 4. Play detective If your child complains of a sore tummy to get out of school, are they complaining of the same symptoms at other times, for example, at the weekends or when they're busy and distracted? If not, then you can rest assured that they're not really sick but don't make a big deal out of your new-found information. You'll just know. 5. Talk to the school Jacob's pre-school are very approachable and I've already had two phonecalls with them today to discuss what might be upsetting the little man. They are going to open an assessment sheet on him and observe his behaviour over the next two weeks to ascertain if there is anything going on between him and any of the other kids. Not only is this good practice for you as the parent to keep open communications with your child's educators, but you also get to have another person or persons to chat to about how to make the situation right. 6. Keep an open mind When your child is upset going to school, a parent's first response could be to wonder if they are being bullied. Don't assume this is the case, or that there is a problem with the school or teachers. Calmly start investigating and don't get up in arms until you are certain that there is something to be up in arms about. 7. Do not make it enjoyable to stay at home If your child is really ill, you will obviously want to 'Mammy Them Better' - snuggles, meals on a tray, unlimited access to their favourite tv shows, ice cream at hourly intervals.. But if you suspect that your child isn't really ill, then make it clear that they will have to go to the doctor plus stay in bed with no tv or games until they are better. Sounds rubbish, doesn't it? 8. Simulate a learning environment If your child does manage to stay at home from school and truly isn't sick, then make it a learning day (this is particularly annoying for teens). No lounging in bed or on the couch allowed - set some tasks or homework at the table that they must do or else.. back to school you go. 9. Make a sick policy for your household For example, your household rule could be that unless your child has a high temperature, then they have to go to school. You could make it the job of the school nurse or the pre-school teacher to evaluate whether your child is well enough to be in school or not. This will remove the power struggle between the parent and child in the chaos of morning times, which is a good thing, because we all know that the struggle itself can make a child act up even more because they are receiving extra attention. 10. Get some help If your child has separation anxiety with mum, then let dad take him or her to school for a time or until the situation resolves itself. Emotions can be so charged during a time like this that it often helps to remove yourself from the job of having to force your child to go to school. Remember your child has to go to school, this is where they will develop intellectually, socially and emotionally. Try to remain calm and supportive but firm and hopefully there will be no more tears for you OR your child when it comes to school time. Do you have trouble getting your child to go to school? 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