Our alternative A-Z guide to first-time parenthood continues with 'L':
'L' is for Lie-ins, Losing the baby weight, losing the plot, and LOVE
Lie-ins
Lie-ins are not something that you outright lose after having a baby. It's more like what actually constitutes a lie-in shifts dramatically. For example, pre-baby a lie-in was sleeping in till anytime between noon and 7 pm. Now any day that we didn't see 6 am on that clock is a lie-in day – whooohoooo.
Losing the baby
This will happen at some point to everyone...
Or at least, that's what my mother reassured me as I panicked in a crowded community play café where The Child had temporarily been misplaced among the ball pits, other babies and various dolls that each momentarily looked like The Child. It couldn't have been more than 20 seconds before I spotted him stealing into the Wendy house, presumably trying to evade his pesky mother, but it felt like the longest 20 seconds of my life. What I didn't realise then was that all of parenthood is made up of these heart-stopping moments, which do in a funny way serve a purpose – as reminders of how lucky we are any time that our babies are healthy, happy and safely close by.
Losing the baby weight
This will happen eventually...
Again I was reassured that I would one day return to my original size.
And I did (eventually). What I was not warned about, however, was that staying that size post-baby was going to be near-impossible (for me anyway, one of little willpower). There's something about being a parent that isn't compatible with not eating endless biscuits. Also, parts of the body seem to be
irrevocably altered after having a baby and just don't appear to want to budge such as the fat-wodge above my belly button. At least, the fat-wodge is providing useful storage as a shelf for my toddler; the under-ass fat pockets are serving no discernible function whatsoever, except as storage for chocolate digestives. Every article I read recommends getting more sleep as a route to weight-loss – this is such cruel, cruel irony to the ears of a parent that all I can do is laugh out loud which of course has the unfortunate knock-on effect of making my chin-rolls, fat-wodge and under-ass fat pockets jiggle in a very demoralising fashion.
Losing the plot
This will happen to anyone who suffers CHRONIC sleep deprivation for an extended period. And is fairly normal.
Symptoms of the average post-baby plot-losing include (but is not limited to) lots of crying, lots of worrying,
lots of googling, lots of making cups of coffee and then being unable to find it, lots of running across the remote control in the fridge (and – no shit! – that cup of coffee from three days ago is in here too) and lots of wondering just what the hell have you done to your life.
If you suspect that your plot-loss is more serious or possibly clinical than
waste no time pretending to be fine and go see your GP.
LOVE
BIG MASSIVE L-O-V-E.
See also,
10 tiny things that can completely make my day now that I'm a parent.
Check out the full Alternative A-Z Guide to First-time Parenthood...
Main image via WikimediaCommons
