With one of Britain’s leading parenting consultants, Kate Barlow, in town I was tempted to actually bring my son to this interview. Around our house, we are working on trying to reframe the negative. We don’t say he’s a total nightmare we say he is wilful, and we don’t say prone to tantrums we say prone to aggressive outbursts or sh*tfits, whichever. I see myself in him. We clearly need help.
Kate Barlow is one of Britain’s leading parenting consultants and Brand Ambassador for WaterWipes. Kate trained as a nursery nurse and then worked as a nanny. A move to the country prompted Kate to set up her consultation business offering advice and strategy to parents over the phone and email. After caring for over 60 children during the course of her career, if anyone can make the claim to be an expert, Kate can. Kate is also mother to Teddy (10), Nancy (9) and Mary (6).
Like many parents who are worn down by their boisterous (read insane) children I had begun to feel that maybe kids just come to things in their own time and that intervention or ‘parenting’ was futile. After all no 30-year-old flings themselves to the floor, screaming upon receiving some bad news unless it relates to milk shortage or loss of internet access.
I was hoping Kate would actually offer to raise my son for me. She didn’t. What she did do was call me out on my lazy-faire, come what may parenting strategy.
“I think people take on anxiety, but they are not always quick to act on it. It’s really common to think: ‘No child goes to university in nappies or having a bottle, but in the meantime if you have got issues that are coming up whether it’s not eating or not being toilet trained in time you have got to address them. But it doesn’t have to be harsh.”
“Kid’s are going to have tantrums. The length depends on how you respond to it. You see it as early as eight or nine months. They are asserting themselves.”
“They’ve lost their temper, flung themselves on the floor and want your attention. Quite often you’ll see a parent trying to cajole a child, doing anything to stop the tantrum.
Kate Barlow’s top 7 tips for tackling tantrums:
1 Don’t intervene, allow them to vent their frustration. “I always liken it to an adult in an argument, if somebody interrupts you mid flow and tells you to calm down you’re not going to, but if you are allowed to finish saying your piece it’s better.”
2 Stand back and avert your eyes. The minute they finish bend down to their level and open your arms to them. “What they need is a hug. Then distract them and move on.”
3 Don’t give in to the tantrum but give them attention immediately after the tantrum.
4 As they learn that the tantrum is not the most effective way to get what they want, the tantrums will lessen.
5 Tantrum triggers are usually hunger, tiredness and desire for attention. “A lot of parents contact me and say ‘but I give my child attention all day’, it doesn’t mean that you are not giving them enough, it means that they want your attention right then and there. It’s not a reflection on your parenting.”
6 If a child’s trigger is being put down then prepare them for it. “Prepare him for being put down by saying ‘mummy has to put you down for a minute’ and offer a toy to distract him. Briefly get down to his level and get him involved with the toy and then do whatever you’ve got to do. It’s not foolproof, sometimes it won’t work but it will help them to learn that you will be back.”
7 Maintain your resolve and keep your strategy consistent. “Whether you are at home or in public, your rule of thumb must stay the same so as to not give the child mixed messages.”
Visit Kate’s website the Parenting Consultancy for more info.
