It goes without saying that the struggles are totally worth it but lately, I've started to really envy those heads in jars from Futurama.
Such are the (admittedly pretty mild) irritants of attempting to navigate the world in a giant body that is, at this point in pregnancy, frankly just not practical.
The human body is the shape it is for very good reason. It's not like I'm particularly streamlined and aerodynamic when not lugging a foetus around inside me but I can at least usually squeeze past someone in a cafe without incident. And once you're blooming along with being a ridiculous shape, there're a host of other issues to contend with, wind, hormones, back pain, to name just a few. In short, the ginormous pregnant body is just not behaving itself.
10 Everyday Struggles of Lugging Your Fat Pregnant Ass Around The Place:
1. Dropping Stuff
Bending down requires the Wide Leg Squat – this is not pretty. Most of the time I just leave it down there unless it's food.
2. Sitting Down
Requires the "OOMPH" noise – morto.
3. Standing Up Again
Sadly involves looking like a turtle trapped on its back attempting to roll over while trying to right yourself.
4. Trying to Put a Child Into A Carseat
What is THE DEAL with how GODDAMN hard this is?
5. Dropping Stuff On The Bump
Usually, when I drop shit all over myself, it falls to the floor or at least into my lap. Avec bump everything from buttery toast to ketchup kinda just tumbles down the bump, giving the bump (and me by extension) a permanently neglected, grubby look and makes putting on nice clothes seem utterly futile.
6. Getting Out of A Car
The absolute struggle. The car exit currently requires grabbing the door frame and basically foisting the body out. I look about 90.
7. Squeezing Past People and Other Obstacles
It's very hard to gauge just how wide you actually are; I keep underestimating and experiencing extreme awkwardness, involving touching random people with my belly.
8. Walking
It's really more of a waddle at this point, punctuated by wincing caused by internal kicks to the vadge.
9. Pissing self (repeatedly)
Very unnerving when in conversation with colleagues. I'm convinced that my "I've just weed myself a little bit" face is becoming extremely obvious.
10. Being nice to people
Especially people who comment on the sheer size of me by way of greeting. F*ck off everyone.
What are your bump struggles? Let us know in the comments...
