10 things that are legit IMPOSSIBLE when you’re 9 months preggers

So I say nine months, but let's face it it basically feels like nine YEARS when you got a fully grown baby inside your body, and even just the simple everyday things become totally impossible. The more I think about it, the more amazing I find it that we haven't come up with a better solution to the whole gestation situation. It just doesn't seem practical to grow one human inside another human. If we managed to put man on the moon, surely we can mastermind a better solution to propagating the species? 1. Giving a f*ck Seriously I'm all outta f*cks in the f*ck budget now. Something has to be major and I mean major for me to give a crap. The tank leaked into the back bedroom and I swear I cared more about the fact that the shop was out of mint Aeros. 2. Peeing in the plastic cup It's a funny irony that for the most part in life it's rare we have much to do with urine samples unless you're a professional athlete or something. Then the one point in your life that you need to regularly hand over that creepily warm (and moist – "I've washed it, it's wet cuz I've washed it!" I always want to shout ) plastic cup it's virtually impossible to see or reach over the bump and fill it without weeing all over your arm in the process. Get out of the way bump! 3. Seeing the lower two-thirds of your body Some days my tee-shirts are not even covering the lower half of the bump fully, though I rarely notice until a cold breeze alerts me to the exposed stretch of veiny, protruding bellybuttoned belly. 4. Sitting up Without first rolling over and saying 'OOOOoomph' approximately 19 times and weeing yourself a bit. 5. Sleeeeeeeeeeeping Just let me sleep dammit. Plus randomers won't shut up about how you'll "never sleep AGAIN!". Shut up randomers. 6. Listening to people moaning about their how fat they are Seriously I am a person, with another person stuffed inside them I do not care about "how fat your arms are". I'm not feeling body-shamed by it or anything; I'm just over other people's low-grade body complaints at this stage – there is literally a small human pounding on my cervix to be let out. 7. Putting shoes and socks on And don't get me started about the tights struggle – needing him to help dress me is the only thing keeping The Man and I together at this point. 8. Looking good while dancing Veeeeeeeery hard to pull off – I'm still trying, though. 9. Eating Anyone else finding that they're just too full of baby and heartburn to cram much in? Very frustrating when the end of joyful, guilt-free eating is drawing near. 10. Keeping your chill Regarding pretty much EVERYTHING. In the last week I have cried about all of the following:

• The couple on Grand Designs getting their remortgage and thus being able to complete the cantilevered balcony planned for the north side of the property.
• Unpacking the old baby clothes.
• The Chinese getting our order wrong.
• The Toddler asking if I was okay and then saying "Sorry muma" when I continued weeping over the Chinese order.
• The Man assembling a Billy bookcase wrong.
• The whole mint Aero thing.