Don’t expect the super pregnant to give too many f*cks about much of anything. They are mainly just concentrating on not weeing themselves and not moaning out loud about how uncomfortable they are.
Once you’re operating with a small human, who is actually the size of a melon, squished inside your body all bets are off regarding how much crap you’re willing to tolerate.
11 Things That I’m Just Not Willing To Do Now That I’m Super-Pregnant:
1. Going out after 8pm
The only way I can be enticed out is with the promise of soft furnishings and blankets and pillows. Basically, if the social occasion is held in a replica of my bedroom, I might consider attending.
2. Being awake after 9pm
This isn’t for lack of trying, by the way, every night by the time nine rolls around where ever I am the sleep just overcomes me and I awake nine hours later to The Toddler mauling my face where I lie.
3. Looking nice
It just takes so much effort for very little return – whether I spend nine minutes or 90 minutes trying to look less like a boiled ham, I still somehow come out looking like a boiled ham.
4. Being nice to virtually anybody
All I’m saying is God help the next driver who gestures at me to *hurry* across the road while lugging my bump and my unwilling toddler.
5. Staying in any position for long periods of time
Someone roll me over, dammit.
6. Bending down
Out.
If it’s gone to the floor; it’s over. Goodbye, pen; goodbye Malteaser I dropped earlier; goodbye phone…
7. Blowjobs
Out.
In fairness, I don’t really need a special excuse to drop blow jobs from the agenda. “I’ve got a stuffy nose.” or just “Ick, I don’t actually want to suck on a pork loin.” will suffice.
8. Changing the bins
Out.
9. Making the tea
Out.
10. Wearing uncomfortable clothes
There is only so much discomfort one can tolerate. During gestation, there are so many aches, pains, itches, sweats, twinges and cramps that if I feel the need to, say, take my tights off in my office during the working day I’m going to go right ahead and do that. Bra has to go too.
11. Life effort of virtually any kind
Out.
“I’m carrying your child”; “I’m furthering the species”; “I’m too fat, anytime I try to do something my chub chaffs” are all good excuses for not being willing to do anything when super-pregnant. Wallow in this unique opportunity.
