When I first found out that I was with bump I had all kinds of random notions about being pregnant, largely based on adorable Hollywood representations.
Hollywood’s idea of pregnancy I soon realised did not cover any of the more unnerving and disgusting side effects of growing a baby. I thought I would look cute in overalls á la Kirstie Alley in Look Who’s Talking. I thought I would have cute cravings and carry the weight only in my belly á la Katherine Heigl in Knocked Up. Hollywood, you lied to me.
Even with the easiest, best possible pregnancy expect your expectations to be completely RUINED by reality.
Expectations vs reality: 10 truths about pregnancy:
1. Expectation: A dewy (sorta smug if I’m honest) glow.
Reality: Ass sweat.
2. Expectation: Feeling serene.
Reality: Feeling nauseous.
3. Expectation: That I’d look like one of those stylish pregnant women who float around in a man’s shirt and skinny jeans and look amazing.
Reality: I looked a lot like Philip Seymour Hoffman. Or a boiled ham.
4. Expectation: That I’d be really mindful about my nutrition, snacking on almonds and berries and keeping up my fitness.
Reality: I ate six hot dogs in one 24 hour period at one point, I snacked on crisp sandwiches and the only time I ran was when the Man was about to eat my last pop tart.
5. Expectation: That I’d be full of joy.
Reality: I was full of farts. Seriously pregnancy is so, so gassy. And there’s no point in trying to keep them in – there’s literally no room what with being stuffed full of baby and all.
6. Expectation: That you’ll somehow transform into a person capable of raising a child over the course of the nine months.
Reality: It takes WAAAAAAAAAY longer than that. I was still binge watching episodes of Sabrina The Teenage Witch and eating sour cola bottles when it came time to go to the hospital. I think I’m getting there though, I’ve moved on to binge-watching old episodes of Friends.
7. Expectation: That you and your partner will never feel closer.
Reality: You will never have felt closer to KILLING your partner more like. Just put it down to the hormones, that case’ll be water-tight in a court of law provided everyone on the jury has come into contact with a pregnant woman at some point in their life.
8. Expectation: You’ll never get tired of staring at the bump.
Reality: You will indeed never get tired of staring at the bump, and balancing things on the bump and using the bump to get your way. It’s a bump with benefits. USE it.
9. Expectation: You can’t wait to meet your baby…
Reality: OK towards the end you can’t wait to meet the baby for sure, but you also can’t wait to be able to roll over in bed unassisted, and to have a glass (bottle) of wine and 7 cups (litres) of coffee and to walk around without fear of your waters breaking all over someone’s shoes.
10. Expectation: The birth will be a magical, transformative experience.
Reality: Well… my one came out the sun roof so I am unqualified to comment. The C-section was a blast though.
