Once you're super pregnant, I find the irrational thoughts and feelings start to come thick and fast.
Seriously, the hormone deluge that I'm currently being hit with is like a Niagara Falls of terror, excitement, and confusion. I feel like society should be intervening and banning me from operating a car or being anywhere near normal people at this point. I'm just way too irrational for public consumption right now. I'm guessing/hoping all pregnant women get this way by the last trimester – if, for example, I heard that a heavily pregnant woman attacked someone for queuing too closely behind her, no part of me would be surprised. I'd just be like, "Of course she damn well did, and she was right, back off neck-breathers and give us some goddamn space."
10 Crazy, Irrational Thoughts Only The Super Pregnant Will Understand:
1. "AGGGGGHHHHHHH I wanna unzip this fat suit NOW."
Oh, if only...
2. Why, WHY is getting out of bed such a goddamn struggle???"
It's actually not that hard, I just need to flail about quite a bit, but anytime I don't perform the elaborate bed exit I've perfected that looks like a 19-point turn I rage inwardly against my cumbersome body.
3. "I need a crisp sandwich with anchovies in it like NOW."
The words 'anchovy' and 'sandwich' never belong in a sentence together. The super pregnant cannot be trusted with important food decisions.
4. "If one more person complains about how tired they are to me, I'm going to start crowning AT them."
The next time you spot a heavily pregnant person glaring at you, this is probably what they were just thinking. It's quite an image.
5. "What if I just removed the rib that the baby keeps kicking? I could just self-surgery it right out, and the baby would be happy with the extra room, and I'd be happy because the bloody rib pain would be gone."
This is why the super pregnant should not be anywhere near sharp knives.
6. "Would it work better if I ground up the Gaviscon tablets and snorted them? Hitting the bloodstream faster and all that?"
Pregnant logic may not be the soundest logic, but when the heartburn is peaking, I'll literally do ANYTHING. If drinking the blood of a virgin would quell it I'd be doing it.
7. "Who, just WHO, thought that growing one human inside another human was a good idea? No, REALLY I want to know."
This futile rant is fairly mental and usually acts as a neat segue into my rant about how if men had to carry the babies this would have been sorted out years ago.
8. "I'm just a little bit f*cking sick of everyone looking so nice all the time."
I'm ashamed to admit that I actually voiced this little nugget of mental at a wedding just a few weeks ago, when my friend greeted me looking fab in a little blue dress, while I looked like a sweaty gammon ham stuffed into an ill-fitting (and ill-advised) satin sheath.
9. "Just settle down in there."
You know the crazy has kicked in when you accuse the bump of being in "bratty form" for kicking "too much." Obviously, when I'm not off my head on hormones, I recognise how lovely it is feeling the baby move, but I may be too far gone for such logic at this stage.
10. "I am just going to start wearing incontinence pads and pissing myself."
It'd be easier. I'm getting to the stage where I'm actually just bored of going for a wee all the time.
On that delightful note, rant over.
