Being pregnant is a crazy time, not least because it is when you are pregnant that you discover the amount of people who apparently have no regard for their own personal safety – you know, the people who insist on policing your food choices, commenting on your weight and asking if you were “trying”. See also 10 Deeply Irritating Things People Need to Stop Doing to Pregnant People.
Our advice is to sit on them.
Pregnancy by Percentages: 10 Truths About the Magical State of Gestation
1. Pregnancy is…
50 % pure unadulterated delight
50 % abject terror.
2. Pregnancy is…
60 % trying to decide if you’re going to be sick
20 %Â hanging out in the loo in case you get sick
And 20 % getting sick the second there’s no toilet nearby.
3. Pregnancy is…
30 % wondering if the crisp sandwich is the best idea you’ve ever had
30 % wondering if the crisp sandwich is the WORST idea you’ve ever had
20 % thinking it’s too late, you’re already eating it
And 20 % wishing crisp sandwiches had never been born as you spew it back up again
4. Pregnancy is…
18 % reading THE BOOK
32 % misquoting THE BOOK
40 % saying “what does THE BOOK say”
And 10 % saying “F*ck THE BOOK”
5. Pregnancy is…
2 % feeling calm and at one with your foetus
And 98 % frantically googling things like ‘weird pain in 3rd toe 14 weeks pregnant’
6. Pregnancy is…
22 % comparing your foetus to different fruits
29 % avoiding overripe fruit (like the dreaded bananas) because everything smells DISGUSTING
28 % trying to eat more fruit for the good of your foetus
And 21 % really not wanting to eat fruit when there’re crackers around
7. Pregnancy is…
64 % wanting to sleep
And 46 % not being ABLE to sleep because of the giant baby crammed inside your body
8. Pregnancy is…
1 % feeling like you’ve got this
32 % crying for no reason
And 67 % freaking out because WHAT THE F*CK ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH ANOTHER CHILD????
9. Pregnancy is…
11 % stretchy pants
9 % industrial strength boulder-holder bras
30 % feeling like the maternity leggings have become grafted onto your body
23% desperately trying not to look like a pregnant, sweaty boiled gammon ham in a smock shirt
And 27 % giving up the will to get dressed at all by week 37
10. Pregnancy is…
100 % being so goddamn sick of hearing: “Are you sure it’s not twins?”
