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13th August 2016
03:40pm BST
The Book is full of hospital lists and run downs of essential vitamin supplements and endless bizarre vegetable comparisons for your growing foetus, however The Book never managed to get to the nitty gritty of the practical things I'd need to get through this pregnancy lark.
So I've (rather helpfully, I think) compiled my own list, though perhaps some of the items here are a tad niche.
The Essential Pregnancy Survival Kit: 10 Things The Book Doesn't Mention
1. Pillows
More pillows than you thought humanly possible.
2. Chicken flavoured corn snacks
Is this just me? Maybe it is. Insert your own special pregnancy craving here.
3. One Born Every Minute
Lot's of people will be all "Don't watch One Born Every Minute." These people are WRONG. I learned loads of valuable stuff from One Born Every Minute, like that babies can be freaky colours when they first come out.
4. So. Much. Gaviscon.
Seriously, never be without the Gaviscon.
5. A Big Hand
To smack people with when they greet you with any of the following salutations:
"Are you sure it's not twins?"
"You're about ready to pop!"
"OH my god, you're HUGE."
"Oh my god – Look! I just smacked you with my big, giant hand…"
6. Boxsets
For the nine months of intense lying down. Movies about being pregnant is another pleasant activity.
7. This thing:
Beyond the sixth month anything that drops, unless it's food, is just not worth bending down for.
Available here.
8. A healthy dose of denial about what's coming
People are going to try and tell you all about "after the baby comes" and you need to shut that shit down. No pregnant person needs any reality checks about what they've got themselves into, they need to be able to pretend everything is going to be totally easy and relaxing for as long as GODDAMN possible.
9. Some pregnant friends
If you don't have these already, the antenatal class is excellent hunting ground for potential new mum friends. Just don't make the mistake I did – mentioning the perineum massage on a first friend-date is an etiquette no-no apparently.
10. Some absolutely MAHOOSIVE knickers
They're just more comfortable. When there is a whole other human being inside you, you need to be as comfortable as possible – some pesky little knickers that need constant readjustment is the absolute last thing you need.
Godspeed preggers ladies...
What'd I miss? What's on your pregnancy survival kit?
