At first glance, the ‘out the sunroof’ method can seem preferable to the traditional vaginal delivery (I’m talking scheduled C-sections here) however on closer inspection (warning do not inspect either method at close range) there are a few downsides to having the baby surgically removed.
For starters, most people who undergo an invasive medical procedure could expect up to 8 weeks recovery time, unlike mothers who get roughly two hours in the recovery room before then undertaking up to a year of broken sleep and heavy lifting. Notable upsides of the C-section are the morphine drip and a blanket ban on exercise for the first 12 weeks postpartum. Commence biscuit-eating.
10 things no one told me about having a C-section:
1. You can kind of feel it
BAH. I know… It’s weird. Don’t worry it’s not painful, it’s more like a kind of rummaging around in there.
2. Somebody might have to … shave you
Don’t worry, you’ll be so stoned from the epidural you’ll barely even notice, never mind have the wherewithal to cringe. Besides, after the indignity of pregnancy, being shaved by a stranger, in a room full of strangers will feel like nothing compared to the time you dropped your urine sample on the bus. Oh wait, was I the only person who did that?
3. There’s a distinct sense of unreality about the whole thing
With the curtain thingy up and the lack of pushing on your part, it can feel a bit random when they pull a baby seemingly out of nowhere and pronounce it yours. I had a strong (possibly epidural-induced) suspicion that they just had a basket of babies down the end of the bed and pulled out whichever one most closely resembled me and The Man.
4. Not everyone likes morphine
When they first hooked it up, they gave me a clicker to dispense a ‘hit’ every six minutes. “That’ll never do,” I thought until the first click took effect and I immediately had to be sick in the little foam hat receptacle they nearly didn’t hand over in time.
5. The wait in recovery can feel like FOREVER
You’re so dying to meet your spawn, the hour or so in recovery is almost unbearable. Also, there is no weirder sensation than seeing a nurse lift up a random leg and then realising that it’s YOUR leg. Freaky.
6. You can’t pick the baby up unaided at first
This is how The Child and I came to share a bed on that first night, I couldn’t get him back into the plastic box thing, and then I figured “why would I want to?” and proceeded to stare at him and smell his perfect little baby head all night long.
7. The first shower post-op is like the shower scene from Carrie times a million…
Though I suspect that this might ring true for most births.
8. The Man may never recover from the shock of seeing someone literally up to their elbows inside me
Though in fairness, witnesses to vaginal births probably have even more visceral images to contend with every time they close their eyes.
9. At times, you forget that you’re recovering from major abdominal surgery
In the early weeks, I often found myself taking on too much, forgetting that I was still supposed to be recuperating from the operation though truth be told the states of ‘recuperation’ and ‘new-parenthood’ are not remotely compatible.
10. When you do remember that you are recovering from major abdominal surgery, you also remember that it is the best excuse to get out of doing virtually anything from making the tea to changing a nappy to exercising
Also, when the scar heals you can draw eyes above it and have an instant life-like Jaba the Hut puppet. Bonus.
