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28th December 2017
11:54am GMT
1. Sitting
Very uncomfortable for long periods of time.
2. Standing
Constant internal kicks to the vadge make standing while heavily pregnant absolutely zero craic.
3. Lying down
Lying down's grand really but there's always the hovering spectre of getting up with has to be done eventually and when it does it kinda looks like I'm doing a 9-point turn to get out of the bed and I am forced to make a noise that sounds like a cross between a bagpipe slowly deflating and Darth Vader.
4. Rolling over
Forget about it.
5. Bending down
Pretty much unless it's food, it can stay down there.
6. Not Attacking People Who Comment On the Sheer Size of Me
I may let loose on the next person who asks whether it's twins or not. "It's not my fault I copulated with a goddamn giant," I will scream while pinning her against a wall with my bump. Or "you know what? Maybe I'm just kind of fat and would prefer you not endlessly drawing undue attention to this fact."
7. Getting in and out of chairs
It's so HAAAAAAAAARD.
8. Getting dressed
I look like a zeppelin in a condom in pretty much anything I attempt to wear.
9. Staying awake
Anytime The Bitch Herd are going deep on the red wine and our mutual enemies or The Man tries to tell me an interesting anecdote about his day or The (current) Child wants to play trucks, a small, very mean, very tired, very pregnant little part of me thinks: "F*ck off friends and family! You are all obstacles between me and sleep. I'm on the countdown here, sleep is running out and soon I will have a newborn and therefore will NEVER SLEEP AGAIN."
10. Giving f*cks
Can't be bothered. I've got about three hours of good mood in me per day before I downward spiral into intense discomfort and whinging. It's brilliant. Bring on the cervical ripening I say!
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