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12th February 2017
02:00pm GMT
The first year of parenthood is a mixed up muddled up shook up world – at times beautiful, at times bleak and at times brilliant.
10 Mad Things No One Tells You About the First Year of Parenthood:
1. The Loneliness
Oh my god, why did no one tell me how lonely it is becoming a parent? Maybe they tried to tell me, but it is near impossible to fully comprehend the sheer scale of the loneliness before the child comes out and the landscape of your life has changed utterly. There comes a point when you can literally recite the RTE Radio 1 through the night schedule and you know that you've broken the back of the night when "Risin' Time" comes on. Then there's the days roaming the parks, cafés and libraries trawling for other mothers to talk to and ask "Are you so f*cking lonely right now? Cuz I am. I feel like I might actually die from loneliness. Is this normal? Please tell me it's normal."
2. The Wind
Pre-kids you know about wind... on an intellectual level any way. You might be aware that wind is a bit of an issue for babies, you do not realise that it will literally become the absolute BANE OF YOUR EXISTENCE and that you will know a joy like no other any time the baby gets a wind up (which is hardly ever by the way – babies hold on to their wind like I hold on to a glass of wine).
3. The Fear
"Is *insert baby product name here* actually arsenic that is going to harm my child? How come everyone uses it and it's still being sold if it's potentially harmful? Are the evil corporate overlords actually trying to poison us? Is it reinforcing gender stereotyping if I call my baby "little man" and sporadically dress him in blue? Will he grow up to be a sociopath if I use airplane terminology when trying to ween him? Will I be a bad mother if I don't obey everything I read on the internet? The Fear is real. And it is also very crazy and not to be listened to.
4. The Weird Stuff Your Baby Does
Sometimes the baby would stare for long stretches of time at nothing in particular just past my shoulder. It really creeped me out, especialy at night when I was alone in the house. Was he communing with the spirits? Plotting to kill me with a hammer in my sleep in 16 years time? Just trying to do a poo?
5. The Weird Stuff Your Body Does
The sweating, the crying, the leaking... The body is going mental and you're absolutely powerless to stop it.
6. The Weird Stuff YOU Do
You might Google the phrase "4 week old baby doesn't love me". Or forget momentarily what it was you called the baby. Henry? James? How about stick a cotton bud dipped in vaseline up the baby's bum because they haven't pooed in 8 days? Or decide at 3am on New Years Eve to take the baby for a walk because he's been awake and crying for 5 1/2 hours and what the hell else are you gonna do?
7. The Endless Attempts to do Tummy Time
Tummy Time never figured in your life before and then suddenly it consumes your every thought. "He doesn't seem to like that," The Man commented as The Child sobbed inconsolably into the carpet during another bout of Tummy Time.
8. You will hit peak disgusting and not even bat an eyelid
I caught a poo barehanded when The Child surprised me during a nappy change and I didn't even flinch.
9. You might cry a lot
About what I don't even know anymore. Exhaustion. Joy. Frustration. Loneliness. How cute their little bums are. The X Files. Doing the laundry. The first smile. Your relationship. How nobody said they liked your shoes at a party. At how goddamn fast time flies.
10. You at some point resurface from the tumult of new parenthood and feel amazed to find the world has carried on as if nothing has happened...
As if the fundamental fabric of life has not been altered irrevocably for ever. As if the World's Greatest Baby hasn't just been born.
What'd I miss? Share YOUR experience of the first year in the comments...
