A wise person once said…
“Never allow yourself to be in a situation with a small child that you cannot escape from.”
They obviously lived in a country with guaranteed weather.
For the rest of us who don’t, here are the 10 “steps” to surviving a flight with a toddler.
Step 1
Prior to the flight amass an arsenal of diverting items to be used in order of effectiveness from least to most. These will not appease the child, understand, but will assuage the tantrum for a period. The length of this reprieve depends on the object. Some dried mango might get you 20-30 seconds of pleasant diversion while a Chupa Chups lollipop will afford you up to fifteen sticky minutes. The Chupa Chups is a last resort, a double-edged sword only to be used in the event of emergency.
Let’s be practical here the only thing worse than being trapped in a confined space with a toddler 30,000 Ft up in a metal tube full of hostile strangers, is being confined with a toddler on SUGAR 30,000 Ft up in a metal tube full of hostile strangers.
Step 2
Preload a syringe-style dropper with Calpol and store this in a homemade holster constructed from twine and old baby socks ready to administer to a cranky child at a seconds notice.
Step 3
When boarding the flight make sure that your child isn’t looking their best. If they are slightly grubby or wearing old clothes, people are likely to feel pity for them rather than contempt. Everybody loves an underdog after all.
Step 4
When taking your seats distribute sweets and condoms to those sitting in your vicinity. A bit of wry humour to keep them on side for when the child is into their third consecutive hour of seat-kicking.
Step 5
When the crying is hitting a crescendo, consider, just consider, opening the plane doors to distract from your child’s tantrum with a total loss of cabin pressure. (This will only seem like an overreaction for those who have never experienced critical levels of plane-panic)
Step 6
Imagine your fellow passengers are your enemies, this makes it easier to subject them to this torture.
Step 7
Bring pictures of the baby in happier times, show these to the people giving you filthy looks because your child’s screaming is making them want to tear their own face off.
Step 8
Shout over the screaming to anyone who’ll listen that he’s “USUALLY SUCH A GOOD BABY”.
Step 9
Give the child the Chupa Chup and enjoy a brief respite until the Chupa Chup falls on the ground and becomes stuck to the jacket of the person in the seat in front of you. Best to charge off the plane before this is discovered, no one will be sorry to see you go.
Step 10
Vow to never travel by plane ever again.
