Whenever I read advice on relationships, I just find it all so draining.
I’m supposed to be making time for my other half and making efforts to look nice and remembering to appreciate him. To me, these do NOT sound like realistic relationship goals. I am in a relationship that has (like so many marriages I presume/hope?) descended far from romantic. The Man and I more closely resemble roommates who run a business (our child) together. Information is passed back and forth almost exclusively via email, and the main face-to-face interactions are usually fights over who ate whose chocolate.
10 Actually Achievable Relationship Goals I’m Doing To Save My Marriage:
1. Close the door while peeing
It seems so simple and yet apparently weirdly unachievable for me.
2. Refrain from shouting instructions from bathroom while peeing
The only thing more disgusting and unattractive in a partner than the public defecation is surely the strident shouting about bins while doing so.
3. Stop eating in bed
Further to this, I need to stop falling asleep with sandwiches balanced on my chest.
4. Stop roaming the house in spanx/tights and not much else
No ONE looks good in just tights. There’s just something about a flesh-coloured gusset that doesn’t do anyone any favours. I need to at least try and maintain some semblance of mystique in this marriage.
5. Stop squeezing my pores as relaxing accompaniment to TV/couples time
I need to stop doing this full stop really.
6. Retrieve knickers from floor of bedroom
Must be done BEFORE Other Half encounters them while rounding up laundry and does ‘sniff test.’
7. Try not to always be pumping breast milk during couples time
Or whatever your non-lactation related equivalent might be: nail clipping, foot-picking or whatever.
8. Sometimes (JUST SOMETIMES) Let. It. Go.
Doesn’t it matter what the ‘it’ is. Is ‘it’ really that important?
9. Sometimes, JUST SOMETIMES, try NOT to put pyjamas on until after 8 pm
I call this the pyjama watershed, and I think it needs doing from time to time. When The Man is really REALLY complimentary about some jeans and a black top that he’s spied me wearing than I know that he’s been seeing waaaaay too much of me in ratty old tee-shirts and pyjama bottoms.
10. Leave the phones downstairs at bedtime
This is a must for me. It helps me to remember to speak to The Man and not just about whose turn it is to make the tea – also hello? I carried your child; it’s always your turn to make the tea.
