Having sex is a distant memory for me currently, at 35 weeks pregnant The Man is just openly laughing at my weird egg-on-legs style body at this point.
Pregnant or not, couples who been together for a while invariably get a tad complacent in the romance department. Often, when we do actually find the will for the physical act of love, it is markedly different from the sexy times of yesteryear and post-babies the landscape of sexual congress is virtually unrecognisable.
1. The Sideways Missionary
Perfunctory in the extreme. Everyone gets to lie down!
2. The Can’t Even Be Bothered Undressing
After a decade together, it can be such a faff to take the clothes off. “Just close you eyes and picture me at 22,” I instruct The Man. Also time is of the essence post-kids and forgoing the removal of clothes before the act of coitus can drastically improve one’s finish time.
3. Textual Intercourse
Just lie side-by-side scrolling on your respective devices and engage in occasional g-chat with each other, sending something mildly saucy while maintaining zero contact for maximum laziness. You’re virtually doing it and that’s what counts.
4. The Timid Titillator (this ones for the preggo couples)
As soon as couples find out they are expecting all sexual relations become as timid as the awkward and sensitive union between two 28-year-old virgins who met at a Minecraft convention. Parents-to-be understandably fear hurting the baby, though the baby is probably only about the size of a blueberry at this point.
5. The Saucy Spoon
For couples who aren’t quite ready to give up on all adventure in the bedroom quite yet, but who are still very tired and lazy. It combines the smuttiness of doggy style with the laziness of lying down, perfect for jaded couples.
