Gym fanatics should look away now.
I hate the gym. There, I said it. The smell, the showoffs, the complicated equipment, the cliques. I’ll take my exercise outside, alone, in the rain, thank you very much.
Here’s ten reasons I won’t be renewing my gym membership anytime soon:
1. Gym bunnies everywhere
Seriously though, where do these women even come from? Head to toe in the latest lycra lululemon ensemble, gym bunnies glide effortlessly around the room surreptitiously checking out their pert bums in the mirror. Usually found working out alongside their best frenemies, their favourite exercise is judging.
2. Zero coordination
Damn you complete lack of coordination. I’m that person; the girl bumping into everyone else in the Zumba class because I’m moving backwards and in the wrong direction. Wait, wait, did you mean my left or your… Oh sorry.
3. Gym staff
Lookit, I’m delighted that these super-jacked sports fans have landed themselves their dream job walking around in time to pulsating beats, drinking water and ‘helping people’ but no, I don’t need any help. I don’t need my gait or stance corrected. I don’t need advice on new trainers. And I definitely don’t need a stranger to touch me when I’m sweating profusely.
4. Gym equipment requires a PhD in engineering
Complicated gym equipment is officially the most intimidating social scenario on earth. What the hell even is a vibroplate? If you stand staring at it long enough patronising ‘helpers’ will appear, if you throw yourself into using it incorrectly you can say hello groin strain and bye-bye dignity.
5. Gym grunters
Grunters to the left of me, grunters to the right… Here I am stuck in the middle with you. There’s no need lads, there’s just no need. Save it for your wife, eh?
6. Other people’s sweat
The smell. The moist equipment. The sweaty towels being used to wipe down the moist gym equipment. Ugh, can we not?
7. Giant mirrors everywhere
You want to look away but you can’t. Every wall reflects your big red gym face and your jiggle wiggle. Do people want this? What is the purpose of the wall-to-wall reflection? Are there actually gym cops sitting behind them, taking notes on your workout? So many questions.
8. Spinning instructors
I can’t cycle fast because YOU KEEP SHOUTING AT ME! My one experience at a shouty spin class left me with a Vietnam-level of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and vomiting in the changing room.
9. Changing room exhibitionists
Can everyone just avert their eyes and dry themselves discreetly. We don’t need to see how good your waxer is at her job, and FYI the hairdryers are for the hair on your head.
10. The muscle parade
Spotting each other, kissing their guns in the mirror, and inexplicably pacing up and down in front of the weights as if they’re psyching up for the World’s Strongest Man. These beefcakes are loving their own work, but not as much as they’re loving taking gym selfies.