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25th Mar 2019

Our bed has been hijacked by a four-year-old, help!

Sharyn Hayden

Our four-year-old son is a shit sleeper.

He didn’t start out that way; in fact, he was a really good baby – always smiling and laughing and we had him in a pretty good routine so he slept soundly for most of the night.

Then we started him in a crèche when he was one, and he picked up every germ going from the get-go. We had fevers, chest infections, ear infections, hand foot and mouth (yes that really IS a thing, I thought they were taking the piss out of me), you name it.

We did that thing that everyone said we shouldn’t do… we let him into our bed.


Well, he was only one and he was my only baby and I did feel terribly sorry for him, and wanted to mind him. But then he got used to it, that comfort of us sleeping next to him, I guess, and now he’s three and he’s STILL. IN. OUR. BED. We’ve tried everything – reward charts, Santa threats, the lure of Spiderman sticker books and Milky Bars at 3am, but to no avail. He starts out in his own bed just fine but at some point during the night, he slips in under the covers beside me so quietly and gently that I’m blissfully unaware.

That is, until he assaults one of us during the night.

If the phrase ‘Woken By Toddler Headbutt’ means anything to you, we may just form a support group now and become survivor pals for life. As Jacob’s mother, I have woken up to a bloody lip and nose courtesy of the superhero-like strength of the back of the child’s head….not to mention the countless kicks to the crotch area that both Ass Monkey and I have endured


Now that he’s four, he has found a way to turn himself upside down in the bed so that his feet are on our pillows as he sleeps. Ass Monkey was heading out extra early to work one morning recently and woke me to say goodbye.

“I’m off,” says he, once I’d stopped being outraged that a GROWN ADULT was waking me up before the actual children. I mean, what the..?

“Umph roys…what ish…?” I looked to him for answers. Why couldn’t I speak? Had I had a stroke while I slept? Did I have conjunctivitis IN MY MOUTH?


“You have a foot in your face,” says he. My hand reached up to find a tiny heel and ankle wedged firmly into the side of my mouth, which I duly removed. Not only does Jacob insist on sleeping in our bed, not only does he insist on sleeping upside down; he now insists on sleeping with his feet in my actual face.

Today, I have a full force headache for the entire day, as I have a vague recollection from last night, of not only a foot in the head at some point, but also of a headbutt. A front headbutt. That’s new. This is WAR.

Does your toddler beat you up in their sleep?! Let us know in the comments!