It was when I started my maternity leave that for the first time I began to see the man as my enemy.
He was, after all, the one who had put the baby in me, was virtually no help getting it out and then trotted off to work leaving me to learn how to operate it with only a dense and largely incomprehensible 864 page baby manual to help. Sidenote: Someone really needs to condense the baby books down. I've a newborn on my hands; I have no time for anything longer than a pamphlet.
Often he would return from what I began to call his "office holiday" apparently "exhausted" and "dying for a cup of tea". Urge to kill rising.
10 most dangerous things to say to your baby mama on maternity leave after she has birthed out your baby:
1. "Did it always look like that?"
It doesn't really matter what the 'it' of this question is referring to exactly. How about don't comment on 'it', unless to say "it's looking better than ever".
2. "Did you do anything nice today?"
Before I can answer this, you need to define what you mean by 'today'. Days traditionally begin with waking up and end with going to sleep after roughly 15 hours of consciousness. 'Today' on the other hand started about 87 hours ago, so presumably something nice must've happened during that time though I can't recall at present.
3. "You look shattered why don't you have a lie-down?"
The main sentiment of this one that echoes on in our minds is how tired and shit we look. Rephrase it.
4. "You're so lucky you don't have to go to work."
They think you're swanning around getting frappuccinos and going to baby massage all day. And maybe you are but they just don't understand how stressful that can be sometimes. #firstworldproblems...
5. "What were you doing all day?" *Glances towards the overflowing sink of dishes and general domestic disarray*
While those early days are filled with seemingly endless tasks, oddly nothing ever gets done. It's like existing in a strange parallel universe where no matter how many washes you put on there's ALWAYS more. It's like the dirty muslins are multiplying in their unguarded moments. Suffice to say that a reasonable enough response to "What were you doing all day?" is to fly off the handle screaming "Raising YOUR child." *Breathe.
6. "I'm wrecked."
No one is allowed to be tired in my presence. That is all.
7. "What's for dinner?"
I think at some low moment during postpartum mania I once actually threw the phone at his head and shrieked "ask Dominos what's for dinner."
8. "Can you believe Kiera Knightley/Olivia Wilde/ Whoever just had a baby? She looks great!"
Oh no, he didn't. He is a foolish, foolish boy.
9. I ate the last Magnum.
At this point, you may wonder is actually trying to get himself murdered. Is he goading me?
10. Are you going to get dressed today?
See points 1-9.
