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4th October 2015
11:00am BST
2. Up the Back
When the shit has GONE EVERYWHERE. The only advisable approach is to cut them out of the babygro.
3. Toddler's Law
They ALWAYS Win.
4. Wine Time
The RulZ:
Rule #1 Any time is Wine Time
Rule #2 Before noon use juice as a mixer.
Rule #3 After noon no mixer required.
Rule #4 Stay classy.
5. W-h-e-r-e A-r-e T-he C-r-i-s-p-s-?
Oh the secret eating. Secret eating now involves a lot of spelling now that The Child understands English. We take turns distracting The Child, while the other goes into the next room and silently places a crisp on the tongue, allowing it to dissolve completely before chewing, lest a single *CRUNCH* comes to The Child's attention. Still he ALWAYS knows that we're in there eating something.
6. Pyjama Years
Similar to Pyjama Days though after kids, the ratio of time spent wearing pyjamas to time spent not wearing pyjamas subtly shifts in favour of the PJs, go with it. The Pyjama Years generally span from when they are born until they are about 10 years old. Yay.
7. Dream Feed
This is when one day (some day) the other half brings you breakfast in bed and then crucially: LEAVES THE HOUSE WITH THE KIDS IN TOW. Neeeeeeeeeever gonna happen.
8. Toddler Hangover
The hangover you get when it feels like you've been out all night but you have in fact been UP ALL NIGHT (not in the good way).
9. SOS – Save Own Sanity
When your other half disappears to the golf club for what feels like five years, or when your mum has the nerve to go on holiday. Come back and help me raise my children, I need reinforcements. If they ignore your pleading, there's always YouTube. Remember saving your own sanity is key when parenting.
10. Parent Fail
This is when you just all out FAIL at being a parent and can include any of the following: losing them; accidentally dropping them; one of them calling you a d*ck in front of the in-laws; discovering that you're spelling their name wrong; the list goes on and on.
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