"Is he good?" Asks everyone I meet when I'm out with my baby son in tow.
"No, he's evil." I feel like saying.
So what exactly are the hallmarks of the"bad baby"? Not sleeping enough, crying too much, not knowing its long division?
10 reasons the phrase 'Good Baby' should be banned:
1. It's ludicrous
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2. It makes no GODDAMN sense.
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3. Seriously, SERIOUSLY?
It's like baby-shaming or something. Babies are already dealing with the shock of being wrenched from the cozy meat-cave and thrust into the care of terrified, borderline inept parents, they do not need the added pressure of being treated like they're in some kind of baby pageant where babies are judged on their ability to wear bikinis and wish for world peace.
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4. It makes it sound like he's being a pr*ck on purpose and I'm trying really, really hard to convince myself it's involuntary
I don't need any further proof that he might be doing it on purpose, at 4 am after 17 hours awake I'm already starting to quietly suspect that he's evil. I don't need the random woman at the pedestrian crossing reinforcing these wild imaginings.
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5. Babies don't know about the 'rules' of behaving themselves
They haven't heard of 'sleeping through' (which, by the way, is another phrase I'd like to have banned).
6. Having a 'bad baby' makes me feel like a 'bad mother'
"I blame the mother," the third phrase that needs banning asap.
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7. It feeds into the so-called Mummy Wars (the ones that I'm pretty sure only exist inside my head when I very VERY tired)
There's just a whiff of "my baby's better than your baby, NaNaNaNaNahhh". Or maybe it only seems that way because every time some sm*g b*tch (apologies, I seriously need a nap) says that they're so lucky "he's such a good baby" I feel vaguely under attack, I recognise that this is mainly born out of my own insecurity over having the so-called 'bad baby'.
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8. They're not supposed to be Stepford Babies
An army of emotionless, robotic babies would be boring, and a little bit terrifying – ever see
The Children of the Corn?
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9. Babies who cry a lot are communicating, they're not being demanding
My hero public health nurse, Helen once told me that my son had a "fine healthy cry" and that meant that his needs were being met – which I think is a really nice response to a crying baby.
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10. My 'bad' baby is THE BEST damn BAD baby of all time (and so is yours)
Sometimes when he's doing some of his "bad baby" activities, he's frickin' hilarious. You know that impish little grin that always lets you know they've just opened your underwear drawer and flung all you maternity knickers out the front window of the house (true story), I love that grin.
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