10 stupid things I did this weekend to amuse my son

So you know when you find yourself standing on one leg squawking like a pterodactyl in the baking aisle and then notice that you're out in public, humiliating yourself again? Yeah that.

So with a nearly two-year-old around I find myself doing a lot of THAT.

10 Stupid things I did this weekend to amuse my son (most of which took place in supermarkets and other public areas)

1. I put ketchup on my nose and sang Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer... as you do when it gets them to make that gorgeous baby giggle.

2. I invented a game called Wizard Hand the rules of which are unclear but involves making a wizard-like salute that was going great until I noticed that Wizard Hand strongly resembled a very different salute, thank god he can't pronouce "Seig Heil" or anything.

3. I acted like a horsey for about an hour and a half – back breaking stuff and very hard on the knees, why oh why didn't we get carpet.

4. I did my lungy walk in Aldi because The Child loves lunges.

5. I pretended not to know where one wears a hat (shoulder? elbow?) for at least twenty minutes in Topshop – it was like an elaborate mime show.

6. I put the toy box on my head and did a very special tap dance.

7. I made a kitchen paper tutu and did my special robot ballerina skit that I am actually becoming known for around the locale

8. I attacked myself with an aggressive sock puppet called Hubert – he's an angry sock-man

9. I played 'Dolphin' in the park – why does someone writhing around on the ground shouting "EEEEeeeeee, EEEEeeeeeee" seem so fascinating to everybody? I kind of suspect that one guy actually filmed it, I'm expecting it to crop up on my Facebook feed... Whatevs The Child thought it was hilar and that's all that matters.

10. I fake fell over about two dozen times after I noticed that he thought my falling over was hysterical. Note: Fake falling hurts just as much as actual falling.