I am in possession of a spirited (demented) toddler who is currently struggling with a lot of emotional issues (mainly having parents I think).
I have tried to be calm, rational and sensible. That didn't work. Then I tried joining him in his tantrums until I noticed that he seemed to be inspired by the spectacle and picking up tips from my shit fit. Next I tried matching each of his 'NOs' with my 'NOs' in a kind of escalating and vaguely mental 'No Off", that got us 'NO'where. Then I tried wine which got me a little tipsy and then A LOT hungover, so I abandoned that method.
Then I tried screaming into a pillow.
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10 totally reasonable things that I wish my child would understand:
1. Sometimes I need to lie down without someone standing on my face.
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2. My speaking to someone else is not an invitation to commence screaming one's face off.
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3. This glass of red 'juice' is not suitable for babies.
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4. My plate of toast is not interfering with your day in ANY way; there is no need to push it off the table.
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5. I love you; I am not trying to wreck your life when I stop you from careening down the stairs.
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6. Sleep is a restorative process essential to all humans, please just give it a try, PLEEEEASE.
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7. 'No' is not the answer to EVERYTHING.
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8. Holding my hand is not a punishment, it is an effort to save you from oncoming traffic.
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9. I am sorry if my constantly smelling your head and neck is tiresome and a little creepy. I simply cannot STOP.
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10. I love you, everything I'm doing is because I love you. (Except the sneaking into the kitchen without you, that I am doing because I love chocolate.)
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