Once you’ve soiled yourself in a room full of strangers, it’s hard to imagine ever being hip or cool again.
Using words like ‘hip’ and ‘cool’ unfortunately won’t help either. So here’s the ultimate how-to guide to holding on to your cool after you’ve lost your dignity, your breasts, what little toning you ever possessed and your mind; in short becoming a mother.
10 ways to stay totally cool after you become a mum
1. Bitch about the lack of wine at mother-baby yoga – bring some pinot grigio in a flask.
2. Keep up with new trends like roller blading, Netflix and hashtags.
3. When calamity strikes in the form of a leaky nappy or scraped knee say: “Hashtag parent fail!” (it’s a thing).
4. Hide from the kids and indulge in a sneaky mum-fag. As all pseudo-non-smokers (social smokers) know, secret smoking is most fun kind of smoking right after crack smoking (See next tip).
5. Drop in a casual drug reference. Example (to other mums in the playground): “Ugh, I’m so tired I wish I had an upper to perk me up.”
6. Care less – Maintain a super laid-back demeanour at all times even as the child kamikazes down the slide, face first. Tell the other mums you’re doing baby-led parenting.
7. Make recommendations of obscure musical acts to show you’re still current. A quick scan of the RTÉ guide should keep you well ahead of the curve.
8. Talk about the perils of breastfeeding with pierced nipples.
9. Wear aviator sunglasses at all times. Wear mum jeans but ONLY if you can do it in an ironic fashion.
10. Don’t sing lullabies, instead rap Glory by Jay-Z. Contains the immortal line:
“You’re my child with the child from Destiny’s Child…”
