23 Really Annoying Things About Parenthood

Some days being a parent is the most spiritually satisfying event to have ever taken place in your whole goddamn life. And sometimes you just want to take a nap.

I feel you.

Disclaimer: I wrote this piece with a toddler hangover – the morning after the kind of all-nighter that mainly involves futile pleading with a tiny person you made yourself.

23 really annoying things about parenthood:

1. Crying

Your, theirs, everyone's crying. It can be a real pisser.

via GIPHY

2. Judgement

The greater population will never seem MORE interested in you and your choices than when you become a parent. It's easiest if you just accept that whatever you're doing it's wrong and move on.

via GIPHY

3. Whinging

Yours, theirs, everyone's whinging. I call it medicinal whinging as it's vaguely therapeutic.

via GIPHY

4. Head butts

Or face kicks, hair pulling, whatever your toddlers preferred mode of attack is. Get used to it.

via GIPHY

5. Mess

It's everywhere. There's no escape. Just try to surf the mess-wave as otherwise is will suck you under and you will drown in a vortex of squashed banana, human excrement and rice cakes.

via GIPHY

6. Secret eating

All food must be consumed in secret in order to protect it from grabby offspring.

via GIPHY

7. Secret phone usage

If they aren't stealing the food off your dinner plate, or the magazine out of your hands, they're out to nab your phone. All phone usage invariably relocates to the loo after the babies move in.

via GIPHY

8. Open letters of the Dear Mom on the iPhone variety

BLECH. Sometimes you just feel like saying "Piss off, you patronising wagon!" amirite?

via GIPHY

9. Stepping on lego barefoot

Is there any pain greater than this? Is there??? I think not.

via GIPHY

10. Finally getting everything together, just seconds from leaving the house, when the Child says "Poo"

Is anyone else frequently tempted to just pretend they didn't hear it and carry on with their day?

via GIPHY

11. Silently creeping out of the baby's room then stepping on a really loud toy

The absolute definition of frustration.

via GIPHY

12. Baby socks

At this stage they need to either stay on or f*ck right off.

via GIPHY

13. Bananas

No real reason just a bit over them after 2 1/2 years of parenthood.

via GIPHY

14. Running out of wine  

The absolute worst and it definitely seems to happen more frequently since children occurred.

via GIPHY

15. Touching poo

Nearly everyday without fail. I suspect I may be particularly challenged in this department.

via GIPHY

16. Getting up in the middle of the night

Over it.

via GIPHY

17. Getting up early

Well over it.

via GIPHY

18. Annoying kid's book songs

They make me want to punch myself square in the face.

via GIPHY

19. Having a small human climbing on my face

Though I guess it saves me punching myself on the 764th listen of The Wheels on The Bus.

via GIPHY

20. Making meals that are constantly rejected for no discernible reason

Soul-destroying, spirit-crushing.

via GIPHY

21. They only want to kiss you when there's snot on their face

I call this a savoury kiss.

via GIPHY

22. Perfect parents

Very hard to deal with especially on little to no sleep, luckily they appear to only exist online.

via GIPHY

23. Going to the loo with someone on your lap

It's hard.

via GIPHY

Rant over.

If you're thinking here's a terrible person right here (and you are at least partly right) allow me to direct you to 17 Little-known Brilliant Things About Parenthood to redeem my whinging...