Psychologist shares five things your child with ADHD wants you to know

Jody Coffey

Children with ADHD often feel misunderstood.

The Mayo Clinic describes attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) as a mental disorder that includes a combination of persistent issues, such as difficulty paying attention, hyperactivity, and impulsive behaviour.

If your child has been diagnosed, or waiting on a diagnosis for ADHD, you will know firsthand the challenges your child encounters on a daily basis when it comes to executive function, which includes the ability to focus, organise, meet goals and deadlines, as well skills needed for everyday life.

It can also manifest as talking too much, being overly-impulsive, interrupting others, and restlessness in an educational setting, as well as many other symptoms.

Once a medical diagnosis is established, families can use treatment plans that may or may not include medication.

One clinical psychologist, in her new book ‘What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew’, explains the science behind the disorder and details how an ADHD brain is smaller in size and volume in certain areas.

The prefrontal cortex, which processes and contextualises information, can also mature at a slower rate than a neurotypical brain – sometimes taking up to three years.

With this in mind, clinical psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline wants parents to be aware of the five specific things a child with ADHD wants you to know.

“Kids with ADHD would like to do well and they can with the right resources,” Saline tells TODAY.com. “These children want regulation, empathy, inclusion, predictability and recognition.”

Here are five specific things a child with ADHD wants you to know:

Kids get upset when they’re parents are upset

Pretty much every parent on earth has lost their cool in front of their child before, it’s human nature to feel these feelings from time to time.

However, Dr. Saline recommends regulating your emotions first as children are unable to do so, particularly children with ADHD.

“If you’re disregulated, there is little chance your child will regulate themselves. The problem is, parents of children with ADHD experience numerous provocations and triggers throughout the day.

“Notice the physical signs — maybe your voice gets louder or you feel hot — those are signs to regulate. I recommend going to the bathroom, something children understand that people do alone. Even if they bang on the door, you can stop, slow down and recover.”

Both parents and kids need acceptance and compassion

Dr. Saline advises that families avoid using labels such as the golden child, the trouble maker, the baby, etc. and instead practice compassion for children by meeting them ‘where they are’ and ‘not where we think they should be based on their age, intelligence level, physical size or what their siblings can do.’

Children who are neurodivergent and neurotypical may have differences that are more obvious, but they need acceptance from their parents, otherwise they will, Dr. Saline says, begin to ask questions like: ‘What is wrong with me?’ and ‘Why don’t adults help or understand me?’

“It’s up to parents to help them accept their wonderful traits like creativity, innovation, humour and sensitivity,” she says.

This also applies to how parents talk to themselves and Dr. Saline recommends giving the same compassion to themselves.

“If you say things to yourself that you wouldn’t say to a third-grader with a skinned knee, stop,” she says.

Kids also want to make decisions

Dr. Saline says a child with ADHD doesn’t ‘want to to be told what to do’ as they spend most of their day ‘listening to instructions that don’t necessarily make sense to their brains’ due to the special way it processes information.

“Forcing them to adhere to your organisational system will usually fail,” she explains, instead suggesting to allow them come up with ideas when it comes to chores, for example.

Here is one example the clinical psychologist provided:

Instead of: “Clean your breakfast plate, brush your teeth and put on your shoes.”

Try: “These are three tasks that need to get done — in order would you like to complete them?”

Consistency is key

Routine can be comforting to a child with ADHD as predictability can help them feel safe and “fosters the development of executive-functioning skills,” according to Dr. Saline.

“This is an area in which parents struggle because they assume that consistency means perfection,” she explains.

“Being consistent just means ‘more times than not.'”

Take note of their effort and successes

Validating a child with ADHD, even when they don’t succeed, can fill them with a sense of pride – but try to make it as specific to them as you can.

“Global praise like, ‘You’re smart’ or ‘You’re a good person’ isn’t always helpful,” says Dr. Saline. “Try saying, ‘I really like how you set the table by putting the forks in the glasses — that’s different’ or ‘Thank you for clearing your plate when I asked,'” sentences in which children can’t disagree.