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Parenting

02nd Jun 2015

8 thoughts every perpetually late person has…decoded

Sophie White

I am late for everything. Being late is my natural state.

If you are also a late person then you will know that my lateness is not even my fault. It is actually a genetic trait inherited from my mother’s side of the family. We are all hopelessly late people. If I am ever preparing to leave the house, and it looks like I am actually going to be on time for an appointment, subconsciously, I will immediately begin to self-sabotage.

Here’s 8 Thoughts Every Perpetually Late Person Has. Decoded.

1. “Today I will NOT be late. It’s so stressful.”

Remove the word “not”.

2. “I’m going to be so organised. A lack of preparation always gets the better of me, not today though.”

Prefix the word “organised” with “dis” and the word “preparation” with “caring”.

3. “If I skip the shower I can stay in bed longer.”
Replace the word “longer” with “indefinitely”.

4. “OK, breakfast time. I can’t function without some food in my belly.” 

It doesn’t matter how late I am, taking those extra few minutes to munch on something is always worth it.

5. “It’s going to take at least 45 minutes to get there so I better leave plenty of time.”

Replace the word “time” with the phrase “shit to do right around the time I need to be leaving” cue mad hunt for phone/wallet/keys only to find them in your bag all along.

6. “I’m actually way ahead of schedule, amazing. Not going to get distracted now. Eye on the prize.”

It’s around this point in every late person’s morning that they start to self-sabotage. If you find yourself actually about to be on time for something, now’s the time to embark on some new experimental “smokey eye” makeup look or become CONSUMED by the search for an irrelevant accessory.

7. “If I didn’t have this child/dog/genetic predisposition to lateness to deal with I wouldn’t be so late all the time.”

Agh the blame game. Every perpetually late person plays the blame game when faced with their own inability to get anywhere on time. But let’s be real here the child is totally out to thwart us. See the next thought…

8. “Yesssss. Out the door with moments to spare…”

Moments to spare before realising the child has pooed his pants, that is. Moral dilemma: continue on as if nothing’s going on down there or go back in, change the nappy and face the derision of those you are meeting when you show up late as per usual.

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