Ah the old D-I-Y – Do it yourself. Also meaning … Don’t Injure Yourself. For me DIY also always calls to mind the lesser known acronym DIYSIUA – Damn it you’ve shitted it up again.
Whenever The Man embarks on a project around the house my heart sinks. He tries to do some basic task – it’s not even advanced DIY we’re talking about here it’s all fairly untaxing stuff – then when it inevitably goes awry he will attempt to reframe the blunder as a positive. For example the time he cocked up hanging a picture to the extent that we had to create an unplanned gallery wall (a feature he now boasts that he masterminded). Or when the toaster lever broke, and he created a rudimentary mechanism (his words) – the “mechanism” was a folded piece of card to wedge the lever down. This meant that to make toast one had to stand by and supervise the toasting so as to release the toast at just the right time. He argues that this innovation has made toast-making less convenient, and therefore I am less likely to go on one of my regrettable post-night out toast binges.
I may hate him.
Here’s 8 signs you live with an untalented DIYer:
1. There is a toolbox that is more pristine than your make up bag. It is used to store cable ties (the bad DIYer’s go-to fix-all) and secret sweets.
2. There is a shelf in your house that can only support a single lightweight photograph frame.
3. There is a large collection of wooden pallets on the verge of transformation in the yard. Their proposed destiny has changed many times; from future yard furniture to ambitious vertical herb garden to kindling for the stove that you do not yet possess.
4. There is a dismantled hard drive/bicycle/lamp in your living room that requires some fabled state of perfect conditions before repair can recommence.
5. In place of the recommended store-bought child safety locks there is masking tape, twine and a NAIL hammered into your brand new worktop.
6. There is a YouTube tutorial for EVERYTHING, and he has a special DIY “outfit”. It looks like this:
7. There are various Ikea items around your home patiently waiting to be assembled. Some of these items predate your current house and have in fact made the move from house to house several times. One day the coat hooks will make it onto the wall in the hall, and it will be possible to hang a single lightweight jacket.
8. There is a LONG, protracted argument every time you attempt to enlist the services of a professional to do something fairly critical like rewire the house.
