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30th July 2018
05:54pm BST
My six month old looks at me the way I look at pizza. I now feel sorry for pizza because I understand for the first time just how creepy that hunger face can be when you're on the receiving end of it.
8 Things no-one ever mentions about boobing a baby:
1. You feel like the hunted
In the darkness of the bedroom I can hear him searching for me. He makes this sinister Hannibal Lector-esque lip smacking sound that is most unpleasant. It's like sharing a bed with a tiny adorable cannibal or a pirana.
2. A hangry baby is not a gentle baby
You know when you're STARVING and you just annihilate a sandwich in a grotesque fashion? That is Boobface's usual approach to his repast. He just grabs the tit and stuffs it in his gob with accompanying gobbling sounds. It's not enchanting, it's bad manners.
3. That shit goes everywhere
Without fail Boobface will ALWAYS take a little break from feeding just as the let down has amped up to maximum firehose levels of deluge. At this point that shit, that precious precious hard won milky elixer goes everywhere. At a restaurant lately the Toddler helpfully stood up on his chair when milkgate started up. "It's going everywhere," he screamed. "Muma's boodie is getting all wet." Jesus how much personal humiliation can one human stand? A neighbouring table troubled by the toddler's screaming asked awkwardly if they should help. From their age and attire I'd guess they were the under 16s boys rugby team out for a post match pizza. Presumably they opted out of ice cream for dessert.
4. There is a downside to nature's boob job
My right breast is so sad and long, I can basically breastfeed around corners now.
5. Feeding frenzies can be violent
Seriously. The baby was so frantic recently that I lightly punched him in the face by accident when fumbling with the nursing bra.
6. Babies are like bad drunks
Boobface will grab the boob and chug with the determination of a seasoned boozer. Red faced, sweating and dribbling milk, he'll often stop, get sick on himself and then get right back on the milk.
7. Boobing a baby in a costume is funny
I boobed an elf at Christmas it was amusing. I highly recommend.
8. Once someone makes a comparison it's almost impossible to unsee it
Someone pointed out that Boobface has a vague look of Ray Darcy about him. So now it feels like I'm breastfeeding Ray Darcy a lot of the time.
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