Golf and 9 Other Fun Things The Man Can Forget About (Now That I'm a Hormonal Bitch) 6 years ago

Golf and 9 Other Fun Things The Man Can Forget About (Now That I'm a Hormonal Bitch)

Hormonal bitch doesn't even begin to cover the kind of crazed beast that my husband is currently living with; my foetus is turning me into a vicious hell-woman.

However instead of striking fear into him as it should be, he is swanning around dodging parenting and generally taking the absolute piss with regards all my (admittedly fairly mad) demands.

Golf Two Days in a Row and 9 Other Activities The Man Can Forget About (Now That I'm a Crazy Hormonal Bitch):

1. Getting pissed at weddings and refusing to walk me to the car

Seriously. To my mind this is outrageous. I was a vulnerable woman wearing heels that were definitely not pregnancy-appropriate, forced (FORCED!) to walk across the shadowy, dangerous car park of an upmarket Dublin hotel. My other pregnant friend was accompanied home by her husband who did not feel the need to get pissed and refuse to walk me to the car.

2. Rolling his eyes AT me

This took place during the getting pissed and refusing to walk me to the car activity. Rage.

3. Spending quality time with our son by watching 7 hours of Bob the Builder

Enraging. I don't have strong views about screen time, but fact is, more than a bit of TV turns The Child into a wild animal, a wild animal that I have to fend off and deal with when he GOES TO PLAY GOLF...

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4. Playing Golf

Golf was invented by parents to dodge parenting; there is no other explanation for why it takes 17 hours to complete a round of golf. I'm all for packing The Man off out for the day and having some time to myself with The Child, HOWEVER.... Playing golf AGAIN The NEXT Day? Unforgivable.

5. Watching The Match

When does The Match end? If it ever does end, there seems to be another one queued up involving a different shape ball ready to take its place, it's a never ending cycle of him, hands down his pants, screaming at Rob Kearney and eating crumb dispersing foods on the couch.

6. Eating all the chocolate

Give me all the chocolate; I can't spare any chocolate for you, you golf-playing, crisp-eating, pregnant wife-abandoning MONSTER.

7. Mimicking the painfully slow, 9-step manoeuvre I use to get out of bed these days

There's a human inside me. A human HE put there. Any mocking needs to stop until I am hormone-free and have regained a sense of humour and a bit of perspective on the situation.

8. Going to bed early when I want to give him the silent treatment

The silent treatment is like the tree falling in the forest. You need an audience/target for the silent treatment or else it's just you alone in a room being quiet.

9. Fun of any description that I can't take part in

By this, I mean wine.

10. Doing something nice for me

This is the level of insanity I've been driven to. After two days of silent treatment and angry cleaning and one-word answers, The Man asked me during dinner what I was doing the next day. "Nothing," I huffed. "Would you like to go to dinner?" he tentatively ventured. "Why?" I snapped. "Because it's our wedding anniversary," he explained.

Touché.