I’m not saying one needs to be drunk to navigate a shopping expedition to Ikea, all I’m saying is it’d be good to have a little something to take the edge off navigating Ikea with MY husband.
I respect that most of us would draw the line at guzzling a nice bottle of Chablis in Ikea, so this list of wine pairings is really more of a fantasy list. Like a fantasy football team, only with wine. It’s really just the thought of enjoying the Chablis that gets me through the labyrinthine Ikea with The Man in tow.
Here’s ten of our worst Ikea-based fights (with suggested wine-pairings):
1. The will we go/won’t we go
This fight happens before we even get into the car. The Man seems to think that because of his genitalia (The Dinosaur as The Child calls it) he is under some kind of biological imperative to hate Ikea. I maintain that he hasn’t even given it a chance.
Wine pairing – It’s pretty early in the day for a wine pairing, so at this stage I highly recommend a shot of Coole Swan in a cup of coffee to fortify yourself for the day ahead.
2. The Getting lost on the way
Unless you are fortunate enough to have an encyclopaedic knowledge of the M50, this seems to be a bit of a foregone conclusion.
Wine-pairing – It is illegal to drink and drive, some caffeine and sugar might get you over the hump until the hipflask in the soft furnishings section.
3. The Car park palaver
Parking, at least, fifteen miles from the nearest entrance is a guaranteed winner. Even better if it’s lashing rain for the dash to the door. NEVER think ahead to how it will feel transporting 2 Billy bookcases, 1 Kallax and 14,000 tea lights in the rain to a car parked just over the Louth border.
Wine-pairing – It’s usually at this point the non-designated driver might decide to crack into a light chardonnay. For a lunchtime tipple that won’t mean an instant headache, I suggest the Brocard Chablis. It will have the added bonus of pissing the designated driver off no end. Mwa-ha.
4. The ‘We don’t actually need that’ debate Part 1
According to The Man, we don’t really need anything in Ikea. I wonder why he bothers coming and then in the kitchenware section it occurs to me – as he passionately argues against the purchase of a €4 pack of tea towels – that he actually LOVES fighting me every step of the GODDAMN way about totally inconsequential purchases.
Wine-pairing – I recommend moving on to the a slightly more full-bodied red at this point, I find I fight with The Man much more fluently on a glass or two of Kanonkop Pinotage.
5. Snack Stop Part 1
The canteen is by far and away the whole point of visiting Ikea. The main thing the arrival of Ikea in Ireland meant for our relationship was opening our hearts and minds to meatballs served with gravy, mash and jam. It’s the only harmonious interlude in the entire day. God I love the meatballs.
6. The ‘We don’t actually need that’ debate Part 2
If The Man had his way, we would basically have NOTHING whatsoever in the house. We would use lawn furniture for the dining room and instead of toys, The Child would play with old cigarette butts gathered at the playground. Sidenote: Who is smoking at the playground and leaving the butts on the ground? Seriously? And why does The Child has some kind of preoccupation with collecting them?
However, I respect that if I had MY way we would probably have had to resort to eating our furniture by this stage as no money makes it out of Ikea on my watch.
Wine-pairing – Hit the G&Ts at this point I reckon. A slightly more socially acceptable way to do this is indulging in a G&T cupcake.
7. The ‘Let’s completely overhaul the kitchen and while we’re at it try and recreate this 60m studio apartment set up by buying every single component of it’ argument
Like many diehard disciples of Ikea, I can get somewhat carried away by the showroom floor section of the day. Naturally The Man is never in the mood to casually drop eight grand of an afternoon, especially as we only ever go out there to buy glasses and replenish our stocks of cheap Ikea coffee and chocolate.
8. The ‘We don’t actually need that debate’ Part 3
You think by this point in the expedition I might have abandoned trying to convince him of our need for tea towels/ cupboard organisers/ wooden hanger sets but no I’m still trying to sneak a few items into the trolley hidden under yet another Billy bookcase.
9. The ‘We’ve definitely bought more than we can feasibly fit in the car and now we’re turning on each other in the car park’ row
Somewhere between the till, the ice cream machine and the car, we are somehow no longer on the same team. We have become mortal enemies. There we stand beside the overflowing car boot snarling at each other.
10. Snack Stop Part 2
At the bitter, bitter end of every trip to Ikea, there is a trip to McDonalds in the car on the way home. Sitting in depressed silence, eating our chips in the car enjoying the view from the car park of the Airside shopping centre we come to a silent tacit understanding to never go to Ikea together again…. Until next time of course.
Wine pairing: Upon arriving home, we recommend hitting the wine slushies to celebrate the marriage surviving another trying expedition to Ikea, also you will both need a good stiff wine slushie before embarking on any attempts to assemble the bloody furniture.
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