Parenting books, I find, rarely offer then kind of insights that we parents, hunkered down in the trenches on the front lines of raising our spawn, actually need.
For example, they never mention what I've come to call the THREE Ws of Parenthood: wet wipes, wine and wipe clean garments.
The Toddler Phase Survival Kit: 10 Essentials NO ONE Ever Tells You About:
1. Paw Patrol
Paw Patrol have basically raised my child, and they're doing a far better job than I ever could. Thank you, Marshall, Chase, and Skye for teaching my son important values such as courage, fair-mindedness, and kindness... while I read the internet and paint my toenails.
2. A Sieve
For when they shite in the bath. If it hasn't happened yet, don't worry – it's coming. No parent misses out on this little gem.
3. Biscuits
I would say biscuits have gotten me through about 80 per cent of parenthood so far; wine has gotten me through the other 20 per cent.
4. Friends
You cannot, repeat CANNOT, have enough understanding friends at the other end of a WhatsApp group. It might be hard to get out to see them when your spawn of various ages are latching on all over you – a newborn on your tit and a toddler on your face can be obstacles in the way of escaping family life, but the invention of the WhatsApp group was a goddamn godsend for the parents of toddlers. I recommend grouping mum friends according to what moaning the thread may contain, for instance, I have one WhatsApp group called Lactating Legends for breastfeeding moans/queries, one group called the TSS – Toddler Survival Support and another group solely made up of mum friends whose kids don't sleep. Perfect for all our whinging needs.
5. Crisps
Crisps are basically the recognised currency of toddlers – a bit like cigarettes in prison. If you want to get anything done with a toddler in tow you're gonna need some crisps.
6. Booze
When I was in the throws of the newborn stage, my mother marched in one evening and announced that her friend (who is very knowledgeable in all things booze and babies) had prescribed me a nightly vodka tonic, that apparently it was 'best for baby.' It was, I found, a sensational idea. For the next few years, I thought it best to not drop this little tradition, and it's really become an essential part of surviving toddlerhood.
7. Sense of Humour
In fairness, toddlers are for the most part hilarious, so it's easy to laugh when they come out with gas stuff like calling Dad's penis "The dinosaur" (true story) or dance around naked. The bigger challenge is laughing when they draw on the walls or wee in your shoe or up end a box of cheerios into the loo or lie down in the middle of the supermarket screaming "No, MUMA". I find the booze helps immeasurably with this also.
8. Secret chocolate
A few times a day I visit a special high up cupboard in the kitchen where I stash the secret chocolate.
REMEMBER: Toddlers can hear a rustling sweet wrapper at forty paces, so I recommend pre-unwrapping all secret chocolate items in advance and storing them in a Tupperware container.
REMINDER: Some toddlers also possess an exceptionally good nose for chocolate, so use of mouthwash is advised after secret chocolate consumption and prior to kisses.
9. Me-time
Me-time comes in many wonderful forms once you have a toddler. Me-time could be, for example, having a shower on your own, going to the supermarket by yourself or even settling in for a lovely relaxing smear test – all activities that seem like incredibly attractive me-time options once you have a toddler.
10. Arsenal of Distractions
NEVER leave the house without every item on this list:
Bananas; rice cakes; wipes; SPARE PANTS; tiny toy cars; Baldy the doll (Or insert appropriate toy item here); Thomas the Tank Engine Book (including torn out pages); dried mango; water; milk; "NO other milk" (whatever the hell they mean by that); crisps (see above); sun cream (to be rubbed into their own eyes despite repeated warnings and then blamed on you); bananas (again); nappies; scooter that they will use for no more than 18 feet then demand that you carry; wipes (again); hipflask (optional).
