When my second baby was a few months old, I typed my hysterical fears into google.
“Does anyone just never, ever, ever, ever have sex again after having a baby?”
After a really great birth, my episiotomy was slow to heal. I kept having to return to the hospital for it to be monitored and eventually to have the scar cauterised (if you don’t know, don’t google it!). The pain was terrible. I quite honestly felt absolutely terrified that the damage would be permanent and I started to obsess over the question of sex.
My obsession was not that I remotely wanted to have sex. At my 12 week postpartum check up, my midwife asked if I’d had intercourse yet and I literally laughed for about eight full minutes. I couldn’t even look at a person riding a bike never mind contemplate sex.
My husband was sleeping in a separate room so that me and the baby had our space, so even ruined vagina aside it just didn’t seem likely to happen. I was fully scared that maybe there were people out there not letting on that childbirth had completely killed their sex life.
I scoured the internet and came up with the usual horror shows. I begged my doctor to be straight with me:
“Are my sex days just over?”
She prescribed me valium – she said it was for the pain but on reflection it might’ve been to help with the hysteria too. I quizzed all my friends about when the riding had resumed. One friend gave me a stern talk about being ready for the discomfort and we even had a memorable lube-shopping excursion with newborns in tow. Is there anything crazier than those early weeks postpartum?
Eventually my friend bravely took the plunge and reported back (through some impressive use of emojis) that it hadn’t been too bad. So finally five months postpartum we got creative about the bedtime arrangements and gave it a go. I was stunned. It actually didn’t hurt a bit – the difficult part was letting go of the anxiety, the sex bit was actually grand and ‘grand’ ain’t bad when you’d been thinking your sex life was over.
Three mums get real about the post-baby dry spell
Sinead:
When did you feel that the question of sex was back on the table post-baby?
About four months in we decided to test the waters…. it was a disaster, I couldn’t tell if the pain was in my head or my exit area. Anyhoo, felt happy that the seal had been broken (apologies bad turn of phrase!).
What were your feelings about it?
It was an absolute minefield of feelings. I was still breastfeeding which added an additional awkward/painful angle. Just generally it was extremely difficult to get my brain off babies.
Do you think you were ready physically before you were ready mentally?
Absolutely I was ready physically before mentally, but for me the two are one in the same when it comes to sex.
How do think your new identity as someone’s mum affected the situation?
It totally confused the issue, I was 100 percent consumed by baby… physically and mentally. My mind would not ‘let go’.
What were your partner’s feelings about it?
Like a true d*ckhead, I have no idea!
How long before it became enjoyable again?
At about six months things loosened up and I started to enjoy it! I’d say it was round three or round four by then.
Rachel:
When did you feel that the question of sex was back on the table post baby?
Probably after about two months.
What were your feelings about it?
I knew I should do it but I didn’t want to. It’s very hard to think of yourself as a sexual being when you’re hooking yourself up to a milking machine every two hours.
Do you think you were ready physically before you were ready mentally?
Yes definitely. Physically I bounced back really quickly.
How do think your new identity as someone’s mum affected the situation?
I actually don’t think it’s that, so much as the actual logistics. The baby’s in your room for the first six months so you have to be OK with that or ready to instigate sex somewhere else in the house. Your breasts are leaking. You’re exhausted. You’re lucky if you get a shower. How are you supposed to feel sexy in that context?
What were your partner’s feelings about it?
Em, rarin’ to go? Definitely sensitive to my feelings and considerate of potential pain (that wasn’t an issue in the end) but also wanting to get back in the saddle.
How long before it became enjoyable again?
About four months, but only because we got rid of the baby for a night!
Emma:
When did you feel that the question of sex was back on the table post baby?
After my second, initially we were a bit over eager and I ended up having to get the morning-after-pill because I was stupid, stupid, stupid and completely forgot/imagined that you couldn’t get pregnant if you didn’t have your period back. Mortifying.
Do you think you were ready physically before you were ready mentally?
I was lucky in that I didn’t need stitches so theoretically I was physically ‘ready’ for love action with the sex-starved husband but honestly at times I wished I had the stitches excuse.
How do think your new identity as someone’s mum affected the situation?
I had zero libido post-baby, I do have one memory of attempting to have sex while the baby slept fitfully in a maxi-cosi right next to the bed.
How long before it became enjoyable again?
Frankly, we’re on a major dry spell since. I’ve been too beaten down by exhaustion since!
