You expect these kinds of word-vom blunders from idiots and strangers in the streets who seem hell-bent on telling you how fat you are or how you shouldn’t be eating that/doing that/wearing that because apparently pregnancy turns you into an infant who needs constant monitoring and interference from society at large *Draws breath*
You do NOT expect these clangers closer to home and certainly not coming out of the mouth of a man who has seen you fly into a violent, hormonal, kitchen-cabinet kicking rage simply because the Coco Pops are nearly empty.
10 Absolute Clangers The Man has Come Up With Since I Got Pregnant (That Mean I’m Never Making a Baby For Him Again):
1. “Are you sure it’s not twins?”
Never EVER say this to me again. And get out of my sight right now. Go deep-clean the kitchen and think about what you’ve done.
2. “You’re not THAT pregnant.”
If you are ever on fire I’m not going to help you by dosing you with water; I’m going to relax nearby with a martini and say: “You’re not THAT on fire.”
3. “You’re having more cheese?”
Yes, I goddamn AM having more cheese. You put this cheese-guzzling womb-dweller inside me, now it’s your job to roll me over and keep me in cheese without passing comment on my eating habits.
4. “Are you positive it’s just one baby in there?”
Seriously, he has asked this twice.
5. “I think the playsuit window has passed, don’t you?”
I don’t pass comment on him when he tries to wear shorts. I love him, so I allow him to continue to believe that bright green cargo shorts look totally fine on his big ginger hairy legs, because I’m nice like that…
6. “Eating again?”
“Speaking again?” Die, bastard.
7. “Can you not walk yourself to the car? Your legs aren’t pregnant.”
This was at a recent wedding where he had decided to drunkenly roll his eyes AT me during the meal and then proceeded to announce that I would be driving myself home at midnight as he was staying for more booze and bants and did not feel like walking his heavily pregnant wife to the car.
8. “Is it a bit tight?”
STOP commenting on my clothing choices, except to say, “You look astonishingly beautiful today, oh woman who is kindly propagating my seed…”
9. “I’m going to play golf tomorrow.”
This probably doesn’t sound like much except that he was saying it as he returned from one game of golf and immediately began talking about another game of golf. And why does golf have to take exactly 19 hours? Why????
10. *Laughing*
At me.
Seriously.
The man has a death wish.
Do YOU have a partner with a death wish? What clangers have you heard while pregnant? Let us know in the comments…
