10 Things That Happen When You’re Pregnant (And Horny)

Gestation does weird things to a woman. Being really, really horny is not one of them. C'mon we're pregnant for nearly a year, of course we're gonna be feeling amorous from time to time. Or most of the time, or ALL THE TIME. The problem is that certain people are sometimes not as excited about having sex with us as they goddamn should be. 10 Things That Happen When You're Pregnant (And In Heat): 1. The Man might be a bit conflicted When I'm engaged in the magical act of creating a baby, The Man claims to feel like he is defiling me in some way, to which I have shrieked "defile me for God's sake, I'm not the f*king Virgin Mary here..." the hormones are not to be underestimated. 2. You might at some point shout "This is because I'm so fat." To which The Man will helplessly (and stupidly) say: "Well....." 3. You will discover that having sex while pregnant is a bit like having sex with a pet in the room There's just something a little bit creepy about it; that's all. 4. The Man might be a bit scared This makes sense, I'll grudgingly admit. After all, in my present state if he comes near me I might start crying. Or CROWNING. 5. Positioning is NOT easy Whatever you do, do NOT try doggy style while pregnant unless your confidence and self-esteem is at an all-time high. There's nothing more bovine than a pregnant woman on all fours, except an actual cow of course. 6. You will feel like a bit of a creep Trying to look sexy is rarely successful while gestating, it's like a law of life. There's something about the states of being pregnant and being seductive that are completely at odds with each other. 7. Your marriage might become something of a barren sexual wasteland This (along with frustrated libido) leads to a certain amount of resentment, in my experience. And suspicion. I was enjoying a relaxing face-cleanse with my Clarisonic in the bathroom and The Man, attracted by the noise of the low buzzing it emits spent a paranoid 10 minutes pacing the hall outside convinced I was engaged in a self-service. 8. Very, very random things might peak your interest It seems unlikely that you would be sitting on a washing machine while heavily pregnant, but ya know it could happen. And given the state of the marital landscape maybe it's not such a bad spot to find yourself in of a lonely afternoon, this is not speaking from experience mind, sadly my washing machine is an under-the-counter job so not easily accessible. 9. You might wind up crying because... HORMONES!!! And HORNY! 10. You might at some point shout "You got me into this situation, you're GOING to help me out." These words have the most impact when advancing upon The Man with bare belly directed at his face. I recommend oiling the belly up for additional creepiness.