Having had one baby, you’d think that trying to conceive would be, if not easy then at least, unsurprising but the last time we made a baby it was not premeditated AT ALL.
I think the location in which you conceive a baby often says a lot about your state of baby-readiness – as near as I can guess The Child was conceived in a bunk bed in my father-in-law’s house. Enough said.
So we’re attempting to make a baby on purpose this time and encountering a lot of hitherto unthought of predicaments, such as how odd that the miracle of conception coincides with orgasm sounds, it just seems all kinds of wrong. No one orgasms pretty (especially The Man).
10 Things no one ever says about trying to conceive:
1. Every twinge and random urge for mashed potato sandwiches is mistaken for pregnancy
2. 4678 wee-sticks
You may experience a complete loss of logic and sense during the process; there’s a strong urge to test after every single Sexy Time despite the fact that there’s absolutely no point. See point 3…
3. Pregnancy limbo
That stretch of time between sexy time and the first day of your period. The agony.
4. Oh yeah, sex is fun…
… You think after the first few goes.
5. Oh no, sex is getting ANNOYING…
You think after many months of no joy and round the clock f*cking.
6. The no-show period coupled with the Big Fat Negative is a day-wrecker. Fact.
There’s only one thing for it but to hit the wine with your face. HOWEVER… that pesky niggle that you might still possibly, very slightly be mildly pregnant persists (see point 9).
7. Our bodies are actually really mysterious
Or maybe just mine is. I never paid much attention to my wild and random womanly cycle before and now that I am I’m noticing that there is virtually no pattern or explanation for the various aches, fluids, and mood swings. What does it all mean???
8. Compulsive Googling is totally normal, right? RIGHT?
Expect to Google phrases like “implantation bleeding,” “ovulation bleeding,” “how soon to do pregnancy test?”, “negative test but still pregnant?” “early symptoms of pregnancy,” ninety times a day.
9. To drink or not to drink
“Drink like you’ll never drink again,” advised one friend who was trying to cajole me out for a glass (bottle) of wine that evening. I somehow suspect this would not be the advice of a medical professional.
10. ‘Happy accidents’ truly are ‘happy’ as trying to conceive is fairly torturous
FYI, BFN is Big Fat Negative, BFP is Big Fat Positive, DTD is Did The Deed and AF is Aunt Flow.
For those on the baby trail, here’s some baby dust and happy copulating!
Main image via Flickr
