Mum-of-three Theresa Mulhall from Portlaoise, has shared an inspiring Facebook post about her own suicide attempt and journey to recovery in a bid to convince others to talk about their mental health.
The brave mum to Eli, Sam, and Noah, has documented her journey from waking up in a psychiatric unit one year ago after attempting to take her own life, to her ongoing battle with depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder.
This is her story.
“One year ago today I woke up in a psychiatric unit. The previous evening I had attempted to commit suicide.
I was a thirty-one year old woman with three beautiful sons (at the time a three-year-old, a two-year-old and a three-month-old), a wonderful supportive husband, a roof over my head and no major ‘worries’.
I had been struggling heavily with major depression, which had led to an eating disorder, teamed with self-harm, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. Over many, many, years these illnesses escalated (sometimes better, sometimes worse) until I had no hope left in my mind.
The loss of my mother-in-law five months earlier left me distraught. An additional layer of self-hatred grew because I felt like I was letting my husband down; that I could not be stronger for him, that I was ‘stealing his grief’ (in my mind) as my own grief about her absence consumed me. The guilt of not being able to ‘fix myself’ with so much to live for. The guilt of my eating disorder controlling my last pregnancy (no harm came to Noah, thank God). All of these issues compounded with my existing major depressive disorder deemed suicide the only answer, the kindest thing to do.
I may lose friends by sharing this post today as a lot of people have a view of suicide as selfish. But it isn’t selfish. It is the act of a person whose mind & body have been fully worn down by a devastating illness. At this stage of depression and/or an eating disorder (or any other similar mental health condition) rationality no longer exists.
Twelve months on I no longer feel like I’m struggling. I’m fighting. Recovery is by no means perfect. It’s not a straight line. It’s full of ups, downs, setbacks, relapses and little leaps forward.
The advice I want to give to anyone struggling with depression, panic attacks, obsessive compulsions, eating issues, suicidal ideas or any other mental health problems is to talk.
Talk.
Really talk.
Talk until you can’t stand the sound of your own voice.
I still fight most of the issues I’ve mentioned and some of them are completely in the past. After a lot of support, a lot of talking, a huge amount of resistance & fear (fear of change and fear of the unknown), a lot of medication (not as much now), a lot of Aware group support meetings (highly recommended by the way), the most amazing pyschotherapist, regular contact with my community mental health nurse, further hospitalisation during the year and a decent amount of weight gain, I now know in my heart and in my head that life is to be fought for.
I take every opportunity to remind myself that I am meant to be here on this earth…when I hear my children laugh…when I see our bathroom door still broken from that night 12 months ago (thank you Shane)…when I feel my fading scars…when I touch the food I prepare for our family…when I smell my husband’s clothes (yes that last one is weird, but true).
I’ll say it again:
Talk.
Talk until you can’t talk anymore.
People can’t read your mind.
You have to be open and honest.
Talk.
Trust the people around you.
Trust your doctors.
Trust yourself.
Talk to a therapist to learn about yourself.
Find out where your issues come from (if you can).
Take your medication (if needed).
Look after yourself and then you can look after others.
Theresa told HerFamily that she was hesitant about ‘going public’ with her story, which she shared on Twitter,
“I was nervous at first about sharing so much so publicly, and now to see so many shares and retweets from all over the world; Illinois, Sydney, Southampton – messages, replies and support from places I’ve never visited, so many friends and strangers all coming together to reassure me that it is good to talk.
Seeing people on Twitter like actress Dawn French and author Emma Kennedy like or retweet my story is a little overwhelming. But my husband reminded me I’ve always been an advocate with regards to transparency around mental health issues, so sharing my story is simply staying true to what I believe; letting others know that they don’t have to feel as awful as I did before reaching out to someone.”
The Aware Support Line is available Monday – Sunday, from 10AM to 10PM on 1800 80 48 48
