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7th May 2017
10:01am BST
Anyway I digress.
By far the lowest moments of blissful second-time new-mumhood have sadly all involved the aforementioned fluids and even more disturbing than that: the fluids have, by an overwhelming percentage, been my own piss.
The first few (that's right, 'few') times I did the old self-wee I was horrified, but then as it became somewhat more of a daily incidence I mused on how it would make such a good column for herfamily.ie. Only I'd never piss myself so many times as to warrant a '10 things' style article... oh but wait.
When I was still preggers (and OK I'll admit it, an occasional self-wee-er even then) I would endlessly have to tolerate lectures about doing my pelvic floor exercises. Everyone from my mother to the midwives to women at pedestrian crossings were telling me how I'd live to regret if I didn't get kegeling (touché hectoring lecturers, touché).
You know how midwives are always recommending that you kegel while waiting for the kettle to boil or whenever you pick something up? Well, after a while I developed my own strategy. As I was getting lectured at length with such frequency I decided to make that my kegeling time. This lead to quite awkward conversations as I do not kegel as subtly a I think I do.
Allow me to set the scene... I am heavily pregnant standing at a bus stop when a woman approaches.
Stranger Woman Who Wants To Discuss My Vagina: I hope you've been doing your pelvic floors? My friend Sinead's sister's doctor had a patient who didn't do her pelvic floors and after the birth, her womb pretty much just fell out. Me: Hmmmm *stares intently concentrating all my focus on the kegeling* (I cannot kegel and talk, it's like trying to pat my head and rub my belly at the same time – very hard) Stranger Woman Who Wants To Discuss My Vagina: *Edges slowly away* Me: *Immediately stops kegeling* The positive upshot of these creepy encounters was that the lectures became shorter. The downside? This directly affected my kegel regime. So here we go... 1. The first time I got out of bed to wee after the birth I distinctly remember thinking "I hope this wee isn't going to be painful on the stitches – best go slowly" right before the piss cascaded. I tried to engage my pelvic floor who in turn fumed: "Oh now you want to engage me. Enjoy your life of mild incontinence, Bitch." 2. Just moments after this picture was taken:
I was excited that a book I wrote was nominated for an award. In fact I may have been more delirious than excited because I thought it was a great idea to get all dressed up, four days after having a child and attend the event. I stayed for about ten minutes (enough time for a few people to ask me "when's the baby due?") and then hightailed it home whereby I weed all over the dress, shoes and tights.
3. Listening to Louis CK's special 'Hilarious' on Spotify
I was out walking the baby and, what can I say, it truly is hilarious.
4. When nap-trapped in the car
It was either leave the baby unattended, disturb the nap or attempt to employ a receptacle. You can guess which option I chose.
5. While listening to 'My Dad Wrote A Porno' 2 weeks postpartum
I still did not, at this point, possess the pelvic floor for this hysterical podcast.
6. In the changing room at Penneys
I think I just about had time to form the thought: "It's happening." Thank god for black jeans.
7. While stuck in traffic
Who knew that one day I'd long for that gorgeous maternity nappy they give you in the hospital.
8. When in conversational lock down at a BBQ
This woman just would not relinquish me from her prison of small talk.
Luckily my pissing myself days seem to be over (legs crossed!). Pelvic Floor and I have made peace with one another and there's been no major pisscidents to report.Explore more on these topics:
