Anyone with a toddler knows just how tricky it can be to get out of the house. And just how much patience it takes sometimes to do ANYTHING.
Seriously, even bringing them out in public can induce parental palpitations (that's a thing, you know). Sure, not all toddlers are like this, there are those quiet little wallflowers I see sometimes. I watch them dumbfounded. I'm awestruck at just how different it must be to have a delicate, quiet child. You know the ones – they sit perfectly in a cafe and eat; they don't climb up other people's tables. They hold their parents hands as they walk; they don't run directly towards the nearest traffic. But hey, I might feel and look ten years older, my patience tested to the max, and my time-keeping a little scatty, but my spirited little toddler has an independent mind all of her own, and it keeps me on my toes.
But, when we do get out in public (it happens), it's all the sweeter – it's just the getting there that's the problem, here's how we do it, in 38 steps:
1. Announce we're going out to the park after breakfast – hurrays all round.
2. Add half an hour to your get-ready time.
3. Choose toddler's clothes.
4. Attempt to convince toddler to get dressed.
5. Listen to toddler complain she won't wear those pants, she only wears blue pants now. Of course.
6. Find blue pants.
7. Try to put blue pants on.
8. Let toddler put blue pants on because toddler must do everything herself.
9. Watch toddler patiently, (ahem) put blue pants on wrong, then attempt to take blue pants off toddler and put blue pants on the right way.
10. Listen to toddler complaining profusely.
11. Finish getting toddler dressed – almost – toddler insists on putting own socks on, then decides she must wear a Princess dress today.
12. Explain to toddler that Princess dress is in the laundry.
13. Watch toddler throw tantrum due to lack of Princess dress availability.
14. Make mental note to do the laundry.
15. Get snacks ready for trip: crackers, drink, piece of fruit.
16. Return snacks to kitchen. Toddler no longer likes crackers, water or apples.
17. Re-pack new toddler-approved snacks.
18. Tell toddler we need to go to the bathroom.
19. Toddler says doesn't need to go.
20. Try every trick in book to bribe toddler to go to the toilet for fear of toddler having accident in public place. Again.
21. Have a non-proud parenting moment when you offer a treat in exchange for a visit to the toilet – it works.
22. Put coat on, hat, scarf, shoes.
23. Put your own coat, hat, scarf and shoes on.
24. Turn around to see toddler has taken off coat, hat, scarf and shoes.
25. Tell toddler she won't get all her stars on her star chart this week.
26. Watch toddler look at you blankly.
26. Distract toddler by singing 'Let it Go' and manage to wrangle coat, scarf, hat and shoes on.
27. Wonder how you were ever late before you had kids.
28. Grab keys, almost ready to get out the door.
29. Toddler remembers obscure teddy she had three weeks ago, insists on bringing it on the trip.
30. Search every room, toy box, shelf – find teddy wearing pair of toddler's pants and the missing bracelets Mama has been looking for.
31. Strap toddler into buggy and scamper out door like your life depended on it.
32. Escape out driveway.
33. Toddler tells you she doesn't want to go to the park.
34. Parental palpatations kick in.
35. Promise toddler you have something exciting planned to do that weekend. It's a surprise, shhh.
36. Wonder to yourself just how easy it has become to consistently lie.
37. Hear toddler say "I love you Mama" out of the blue on way to park.
38. Forget how hard it is to get toddler to do anything. Momentarily.
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