Welcome to a life of fun, torment, comradeship, sweating, goosebumps, club tracksuits and speeches full of expletives.
My daughter was 14-months-old when my son was born. One of my first thoughts was 'I better get him a Manchester United top'.
Looking back, now that he is finally sleeping through the night, some follow-up thoughts arise:
- Bedecking a child in a miniature jersey or baby-gro, to suddenly anoint them into a lifelong fan-hood, is an odd practice.
- Why did I not have the same thoughts when my daughter was born?
Both of my children have displayed remarkable neck power, can grip a mean finger and are prolific rollers. I am therefore hopeful that they will get involved in sport and indulge in it as a past-time and passion for years to come. If not, they can start up an Ocean Colour Scene tribute band.
Growing up, I tried out regular sports and ranged from mediocre to medium. My best disciplines were dodgeball, Olympic handball, rollerskating and maze-chasing [we would invade a field after it was cut and pile up the cuttings].
When it came to organised sport, I bench-warmed in football, chatted to my marker in GAA and derived little fun from Fun Runs. Once, as a substitute, I had my No.14 jersey taken from me when one of the less gormless lads showed up 30 minutes into the match. Subbed off the sub's bench. Morale-cleaving for a 13-year-old Andrei Kanchelskis fan.
My wish, then, if either of my children choose to pursue a sporting life, is that they surpass their father and do it quick. Here are the other tips I would offer them.
1. On your first day of secondary school PE, you do not need to follow the dress code to the letter
'Navy or black runners with no markings or logos; plain white t-shirt; navy or blue shirts; knee-high white socks.'
If you manage to assemble each item of clothing here, fair play. However, do not wear them all at one time...
2. If you can get your parent(s) to run a shuttle service, you stand a better chance of getting picked
If you are still not getting picked after your mum and dad are ferrying the entire forward line around the province, someone needs to have a word.
If your folks cannot be prised away from home, find the mum or dad that stops off at the shops on the way home so you can spend the 'subs' you
forgot to hand over to the manager.
3. The Peter Schmeichel star-fish jump only really works if you are 6-foot-4, blonde and from Denmark
Not 5-foot-9, ash-haired and from Tallaght.
Even so, there are ways past Great Danes if they ever go spread-eagle as you bear down on goal.
4. You are allowed to leave your position and chase the ball until you hit double figures [age-wise]
If your coach disagrees, they are taking their sport far too seriously.
5. Ice golf is the only golf to play
Preferably, with a cold beverage nearby and plenty of luminous balls.
6. Whatever you do, don't let the ball bounce
Football, GAA, rugby, tennis, whatever. A bouncing ball will ultimately betray you.
7. If you are going to chat in P.E, make sure you take out one of the opposition
So sports are not your bag. No problem.
You do not want to screw it up for your team. Try to entice another on-the-fence classmate into a conversation. You are effectively man-marking and will be appreciated for it. Well, not really, but
you will know you contributed.
8. Win, lose or draw, shake your opponent's hand
When all is said and done, you were in this together.
Patrick is a Dubliner, now residing in the shiny buckle of the commuter belt (Sallins, Co Kildare). He is gainfully employed to watch matches and file copy for SportsJOE.ie. Both he and his wife are happy with two children until, at least, the 2018 World Cup comes around. 
