With all of life’s ups and downs, it’s tempting to want to wrap children up in cotton wool and protect them from the real world. However, as Positive Psychology expert Jolanta Burke explains, learning to cope with setbacks is an essential way to build resilience – the ability to bounce back, thrive and flourish. Here are her top tips for raising resilient children:
1. Recognise what resilience is
The first thing to know about resilience is that, while some of it is genetically determined, it’s also set of skills that can be learned and fostered in children of any age.
“Resilience is the ability to bounce back after adversity,” explains Jolanta. “The faster we do it, the more resilient we are. It’s also the ability to persist through challenges. Resilient people don’t seem to be as affected by adversity than their non-resilient counterparts. They have developed a lot of effective life skills that allow them to distance themselves from an adversity, think about it differently and manage their emotional state more effectively.”
2. Find out how your child sees the world
While resilience can be learned and improved in all of us, Jolanta’s advice is to look for the signs that tell you whether your child is naturally resilient or needs some support.
“Resilience is partially due to our genes, but even our genetic make-up is influenced by our environment. One of my friends has two kids. One is very resilient, while the other is full of self-doubt and has a pessimistic thinking style. If something bad happens in school, she blames herself. She also generalises and catastrophises that nobody likes her and she will never have friends again. Once my friend became aware of the fact her daughter was so pessimistic, she was able to help her deal with it.”
3. Be a resilient role model
With everything that life throws at us, it’s tempting to have a good moan to let off steam, but, as Jolanta advises, be mindful of ‘little ears’, otherwise negative thinking could rub off.
“I think the main point about resilience is that it’s important for parents to develop it themselves. If a child hears mum or dad jump to negative conclusions, they will be more likely to do the same. So if parents build their own resilience, they can help their children develop theirs.
4. Prepare for tough times
While many of the factors that contribute to a child’s resilience involve having a positive and stable environment, going through some level of challenge is important in developing good life skills.
“Generally speaking, experiencing some adversity in life (not too serious) is very important,” says Jolanta. “It builds psychological preparedness. People who have experienced adversity in life are ultimately happier than those who didn’t. The famous saying: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, makes sense from the scientific viewpoint.”
5. Praise resilient behaviours
Often, it seems that lavishing praise on a child is a ‘no brainer’ in terms of building self-esteem. But, Jolanta advises thinking more carefully about how praise is given.
“We have a tendency to say ‘good girl’ or ‘good lad,’ when a child does something well. We forget that when we praise a child for being good, they may automatically think they are bad if they get into trouble. It’s best to focus on praising a child’s skills of resilience such as persistence (‘You’ve stuck with it, well done! You worked really hard on it!’).
“Research shows that praising children for how smart they are, or for other qualities they feel they don’t have control over, makes them shy away from challenges in the future. On the other hand, praising children for things they have control over [hard work, persistence, etc.] will pay dividends when they’re not doing so well.”
6. Chat about strengths
If a child is aware of their own strengths and talents, this helps to build confidence and, in turn, resilience.
According to Jolanta: “Research shows that teaching children character strengths boosts their wellbeing, increases their self-esteem and helps them use their strengths to overcome problems (e.g. bullying) and makes them even more effective at it.”
Talk to your child about strengths they have and those they see in others. This video shows how conversations about strengths can be easily built into the school day or activities like reading at home.
Bedtime stories are a great opportunity to chat to your child about the personality strengths of the characters in their favourite books. If a character has shown courage or honesty in a story, ask the child if they have had to use those strengths, or how they might use them in the future.
7. Foster optimism
“I think that developing a child’s optimistic thinking style is absolutely crucial,” says Jolanta. “If a child is anxious about school, ask them what they think about it and then help them to reframe their way of thinking to a more optimistic one.
“When something bad happens at school – say other kids don’t talk to a child on their first day – a pessimistic child would say ‘It’s because I’m stupid, I’m not good at these things’ (stable characteristic they think they can’t change). If you ask the child how long the situation will last, they’re likely to believe it will go on forever. They’ll also perceive school as unpleasant and negative.”
According to Jolanta, putting a more optimistic frame on the same situation, builds resilience. Chat about why the children didn’t talk, maybe the teacher didn’t give time for that. Encourage the child to understand the situation is short-term and that soon they’ll make friends. It’s also useful to talk about other things the child likes about school.
8. Tackle setbacks
Learning that life won’t always be perfect is really important in building resilience and avoiding anxiety and depression.
“Nowadays, it’s more important than ever to build children’s resilience,” says Jolanta. “One way of doing it is by giving them skills to cope proactively with life challenges; build their psychological resources such as friendships; help the child take control of their emotions (when they are feeling blue, help them find out things they can change to feel better); and help them view their situations more optimistically.”
9. Don’t obsess about achievement
Giving a child the message that results matter most can actually be counterproductive, according to Jolanta.
“One big concern I have from parents who are introduced to this [resilience] model is their worry that if they don’t praise children on their outcomes and their final results, kids’ performance will get worse,” Jolanta says.” But studies show that the opposite is the case. Children who were focused on the end goal reduced in their performance once problems appeared and they were told they didn’t do so well. Kids who were focused on how hard they worked, and the different strategies they used, kept learning the new skills and strategies) to get better. They were more focused on developing themselves and really enjoyed the process. Interestingly enough, their overall performance was better than the first group of kids.”
10. Nurture positive feelings
“There are many things parents can do to build positive emotions in children – positive emotions act as a protective factor when things go wrong. Some activities that can help children include savouring good memories and acts of kindness, and reacting very positively to your kids successes.”
Jolanta also advises creating a ‘good news board’ and pinning up examples of positive experiences and happy memories, as a reminder of good times.
Jolanta Burke is psychologist specialising in Positive Psychology, a field that scientifically researches the factors that help people to thrive in different aspects of their lives. She is also lecturer and PhD researcher at Trinity College Dublin (TCD). She has a range of resources on resilience and guidance counselling and flourishing after depression on her website.
